


Won't You Stay Alive?

by novocainlullaby



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Coming Out, Depression, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2018-12-02 00:19:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11497845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novocainlullaby/pseuds/novocainlullaby
Summary: Tyler is the new kid. He freaks himself out too much--so what's the point of trying any more?





	1. I'm Out of My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> hello I'm back!!! idk what sparked this up but I hope to really put a lot of effort into this and make this enjoyable for you all!!! I'm not sure how many chapters this will be, but I know I have a pretty good idea of where this is going and I hope you stick around with me for it! since the idea is still pretty fresh in my mind I'm hoping to get a few chapters out over these next few days and I really hope you like this!!!!

_Eyes down. Head down. Don't make eye contact. Don't talk. You won't get made fun of. You won't get hurt._

Tyler had never been a new kid before. He'd been homeschooled his whole life, along with his siblings, and go figure at the start of his sophomore year would be the time his parents decided public school was a "better option". 

In what universe was gum-infested desktops better than the comfort of his own home?

Still--as he peered around, he knew no one would take him in. Who would? Everyone already _had_ their friends. He'd tried to tell his parents that at least a million times, but no one was listening to him in the slightest. He didn't want to be an outcast. He already didn't fit in amongst the others in the Joseph household, so why would school be any different? He didn't enjoy basketball as much as his dad wanted him to, he didn't enjoy it as much as his brother did to make up for Tyler's "lack of effort", he wasn't interested in football (or any other sport, for that matter), and he didn't focus on his religion as much as he was pushed to. Perhaps that was the reason why he didn't. All the pushing, that is. 

It's not like he didn't take an interest in the words of their local church, they just confused him a bit. 

He just didn't feel anything special towards his faith. Sure, Tyler had grown up on it, but he wasn't sure how true he felt it to be. Was there really a God? Someone who told literally everyone on this earth what was right and what was wrong? Someone who would punish you if you did something that He didn't approve of?

He didn't let his mind drift there. 

He was a disappointment enough. 

_Stop it, Tyler._

Tyler found his locker amongst the sea of teenagers, seemingly smack in the middle of the hallway. It took him at _least_ four tries to open the lock, and when he did, he was met with disappointment. There was no way all his books were going to fit in there! Not with a math textbook, one for biology, one for music theory, and another for US history. The small metal container looked like it could hold a pack of gum, if he was lucky.

(Sure, he was exaggerating. But still--the locker was ridiculously tiny.)

Was public school always this stacked on classes? Did it always have this many books? This many kids?

He had seven classes in all; each lasting 50 minutes. A 30 minute lunch break and a 30 minute study hall each day provided some relief, but he still knew by the end of the day he'd want nothing more than to lock himself away into the room he shared with his brother, Zack, who wouldn't understand his "temper tantrum".

That's what his family called it. Tyler's "temper tantrums". 

And they weren't, really. At least, _he_ didn't think of them that way. He just...got emotional and couldn't control it. A lot. He got overwhelmed easily, could cry at a simple smack of the hand, and got frustrated by every little thing. 

Maybe he just wasn't normal. How was he to know what "normal" was, anyways? He'd been locked in a house for 15 years, save trips to church. He never got to socialize with anyone but his younger siblings, having no neighbors around that were his age. Growing up, sometimes kids would be at church and he would try and talk to them, but they found him too weird or were escorted off by the parents who thought the same. 

"Why am I even here?" He thought aloud, head clunking on the locker next to him with a heavy sigh. 

"Whoa, watch yourself. Slam that noggin any harder and you'll end up with a concussion," a voice said, and Tyler didn't look up. He didn't want the taunting to begin already--it wasn't even 8am. It was too _early._

"Thanks for the advice, man." He mumbled back, eyes squeezing shut, bracing himself in case he was shoved.

Instead, the voice stopped, and when he picked his head up he was certainly met with quite a sight. 

A boy stood in front of him, looking much...more of a man than he did, with a nose piercing, muscles hugging his shirt, tiny gauges in his ears, and bright blue strands laying atop of his head. 

"Whoa," he couldn't help but say. 

The boy quirked a brow up at him, and once again Tyler expected the worst, until the other chuckled. 

"Whoa?" He repeated, grinning now. 

"Your hair. It's--really cool, man."

"What, this old thing?" He asked, glancing up. "Totally faded. I've been thinking about going purple, what do you think?"

Tyler blinked at him. 

"I don't even know your name--am I qualified to give you hair advice?" He asked, thinking of his own messy hair that just sat in bunches on his head. 

"Shit, right. I'm Josh, probably should've said that first." He shrugged, thinking better than to extend a hand. What were they, adults at a dinner party?

"I guess I got distracted by worrying if you concussed yourself or not, my dear friend. My dear friend who has not given me his name in return yet."

"Right," he sputtered out. "Uh--Tyler. Tyler Joseph. That's--yeah, right, sorry." Why couldn't he shut up? Why was he apologizing? Wasn't the boy kidding? Didn't he know that from the smile gracing his face? Why was he freaking out? Was this normal? He was going to be sick. 

"I'll---yeah, I'll just see you, see you around!" Tyler stumbled out, locker slamming shut, forgetting he'd left every item he could've needed in any class in there. 

He had to get away. He didn't feel good. 

He didn't turn back as he ran down the closest hallway, meeting himself with a bathroom, promptly locking himself in a stall. 

Holy shit, had he made a friend? Did someone wanna be friends with him, like, really? 

A feeling sunk in his chest. 

Had he just scared off the one potential friend he had by freaking himself out and running?

Shit. 

"Josh!"

He darted out of the bathroom as fast as he could manage, eyes searching for the mop of blue hair, but he couldn't remember which hall he'd turned down. 

Either way, Josh was nowhere to be seen. 

The one chance he had at a friend. 

**_Gone._ **


	2. I'm Half a Soul Divided

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler really wants this Josh kid to be his friend.

He couldn't believe he had scared off his only chance at a friend before first period had even begun.

How much of a _loser_ did you have to be to lose friends before you even made them? Did that mean he now had -1 friends instead of a grand total of 0? He wasn't too sure.

Still, he grabbed a fistful of his hair in defeat, already missing the presence of the blue-haired boy beside him. _**Josh.**_ What a pretty name.

It was in the same moment that the bell rang that commenced first period rang did Tyler realize in the midst of fleeing the scene, he'd left everything in his locker. His first day and he was already going to be late. _What great first impressions you're making today, Tyler._ He bitterly shook his head in an attempt to get the destroying thoughts out of them, but to no avail. He couldn't get rid of his own twisted thoughts that easily--he could just subside them so that would be the worst they became.

Tyler made a dash back for his locker, once again taking way too many attempts to open the stupid padlock. What would his teacher say about him being late? Would they let him slide? Give him a free pass since it's his first day and he's very overwhelmed right now due to the new atmosphere and his brain wasn't shutting up and he had lost all hope of making friends and right about now he just wanted to go home and scream into the emptiness that was the void of his pillow?

He couldn't be too sure.

Though it felt like an eternity, it really only took Tyler three minutes to run into his first period class, having to knock on the door to be permitted in. Good to know this teacher locked their students out if they were late. Suppose, they had good reasoning to. Don't be late and you won't get locked out.

A very kind looking woman opened the door, probably in her mid-50's with hair as dark as Tyler's jeans. She hardly had any wrinkles on her face either, they just looked like laughter lines. Maybe Tyler had lucked out.

"Are you Mr. Joseph?" She inquired, to which Tyler nodded hurriedly. "Yeah, Tyler--I'm Tyler, uh, Mr. Joseph,' he babbled on, looking at the teacher straight on so he could avoid the class eagerly peering out into the hallway to see who was late and who she was talking to and _oh god people were staring at him he could feel it they were making fun of him they were--_

"Take a seat anywhere you'd like. I'm Mrs. Williams, you can come to me if you need any help navigating. You look like you've had quite the morning," she chuckled, leaving Tyler breathless as he took the first open seat that his eyes gazed upon. Though no one sat beside him, he could see folders and notebooks littering the desktop. He looked over it curiously before his head snapped up to the front of the room again, Mrs. Williams beginning her lesson on the topic of the day. Psychology, which he'd been put into by the school counselors, kind of terrified Tyler. He didn't want to know what was wrong with his brain. He didn't even know brains could be sick, and now that he knew they could be, he didn't want people to know his was. People didn't seem to take to it well. Whether it be his parents or his peers, he'd seen enough TV dramas to know that people didn't like it when people had sick brains. They threw them into bad places of isolation and locked them up and chained them to walls and-

His eyes scrunched up, hand once again returning to his hair as he tried to even out his breathing.

"Hey," he heard, a soft whisper in the midst of the lecture.

He ignored it.

" _Psst._ Tyler. **_Dude._** " 

He looked up this time, met with--what he thought was an apparition.

Lo and behold, it was Josh filling the empty space that once resided in the desk next to him.

"Josh!" Tyler whispered way too excitedly, the idea of fear running from his veins, pulling in instead a weird sense of comfort he couldn't quite place yet.

He was greeted with a laugh, a kind one, one that shared the same enthusiasm he was feeling in his stomach. "Hey. Why didn't you tell me you had Psychology first hour?" He inquired, tapping his pencil absentmindedly on the stack of folders in front of him.

"I--" Tyler started, then realized he hadn't gotten to say much to the boy before he ran off. Why did he do that? _"Why did I do that?"_ He echoed, earning a look of confusion gracing Josh's face. "Do what? I asked why _didn't_ you tell me?"

"I'm sorry I ran from you. I just don't really do well with people and you're my first friend and I hope it's okay that we're friends because you seem really cool and no one has talked to me besides you, I mean yeah it's my first day but no one else has tried, and you're actually trying and it's really nice and your hair intrigues me and I can't stop talking and I'm sorry, I'm sorry I ran away today, I'm sorry I'm so lame." Tyler said everything in one rush of breath, having to even his breathing out by the time he was done. He could feel his veins running cold, fingers twisting into fists at the hem of his shirt. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why did he have to be like this? Why couldn't he hold a normal conversation and be normal and make friends and just be a cool guy?

God, Josh was gonna leave. This was it--Josh wouldn't want anything to do with him now. He knew his brain was sick, he'd basically just given it up to him! Why would he want to--

"You're a funny guy, Tyler. I like you." Josh beamed.

Well, that certainly wasn't the reaction he'd prepared for.

Tyler blinked over at him, met with a now gentler smile that didn't crease his eyes up, and he missed it for a moment until he looked into Josh's eyes and felt something flip inside his stomach. Why was he looking at him like that? Was he giving him a look? Did he look at everyone like that? Surely, Tyler wasn't special. It was nothing. It was just his face. Right? Right. Yeah, of course, yeah.

"Can I see your schedule?" Josh asked, and Tyler took the crumpled up piece of paper from his pocket to hand to him, embarrassed by the state of it. He could've kept it nice and clean and crisp in his folder but noooo---

"Oh, cool! We have the same lunch, dude!" The grin returned, while Josh's eyes melted away with it. God, that was so nice. He just...was so happy, even his eyes were smiling. He was so cool.

"We've also got Music Theory together at the end of the day. Dr. Stephens is a pretty cool guy. He sounds all professional because he has us call him "Doctor" instead of "Mister", but he really knows potential musicians. He's got like a sixth sense or something. He says it about me, but like, I don't know how to play anything. I'm trying to learn how to play the drums, but my parents won't let me buy a kit or anything. You know they won't even let me listen to Green Day? Green Day, man. They aren't even that bad." Josh said, huffing out a little breath. "Parents are weird. Hey, Ty--do you wanna hang out after school today? Are you busy?"

Tyler could only blink at him, all the information giving him sort of a sensory overload. "Really?" He asked, thinking there was no way Josh would actually want to hang out with him. "Don't you already have friends?"  
  
That made Josh frown a bit, and Tyler wished he could take it back immediately, guilt piling up inside of him. "Well, yeah, of course. I just thought you'd wanna be one, too. Sorry for bugging you, man." 

Tyler wanted to scream at the top of his lungs. _I do, I do want to be friends! I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that! I don't know what's wrong with me! I wanna hang out with you at your house and play dumb video games with you and laugh with you and watch you smile all night!_

The words never seemed to come out.


	3. It's Colder Inside Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler fixes a few things because he can't seem to get his mind to shut up, but he never once speaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little trigger warning for religious doubt/questioning of faith in this chapter at the end, just in case <3

Tyler was at Josh's side as soon as first period came to an end. He hadn't stopped staring at him all hour, but Josh just paid attention to Mrs. Williams. He couldn't blame him--he'd probably really screwed up his chance to make friends with this kid. "Josh, hey, I'm really sorry about what happened in there. I didn't--I wasn't trying to be mean or rude or scare you off, I really wanna be friends with you," Tyler insisted. "I just don't know how to talk to people or what to say, especially cause you're so nice and cool and _shit_ man, I still can't get over how cool your hair is. I'm just really sorry," he breathed, shaking his head.

Josh finally picked his head up again, offering a gentle smile. "Yeah, I kinda overreacted back there, didn't I? I should've known you meant no harm. You couldn't even hurt a fly," he teased, to which Tyler finally chuckled back to. "Yeah, they're kinda gross. I don't think you could catch me anywhere near a fly willingly." Josh full-force laughed in return to the comment, shaking his head. "You're a funny guy, Tyler--hey, what's your last name?"

"Joseph. I told you already."

"Right. Dun."

"Excuse me?"

"That's my last name. Dun. D-u-n. Joshua Dun. Joshua William Dun, if you're my parents, which you are not so you are _**not**_ allowed to call me that."

"It suits you. That's a very nice name, _Joshua William Dun._ " 

Josh grinned. "There we go. There's the cocky teenager I knew hid inside of ya. Hey, Ty, are you busy after school today?" He tried again, knowing the first time he asked may have been a little too soon. He seemed to be warming up to him. 

Tyler blinked up at him, the boy having a few inches on him. "Uh, no, I don't think so."

"You wanna hang out, play video games or something?"

Tyler could feel his heart race, thinking of all the ways he could mess this up. What if Josh found out how weird he was? What if he said something embarrassing, or broke something? What if he just shut him out and was stone cold? What would he do? He's never hung out with anyone by himself before. He always had the safety blanket of his parents or siblings around him to break his fall if need be. Still, he couldn't help himself when answering. "Yeah, I'd love to."

"Cool."

-

They walked back to the set of lockers together, Josh's locker actually only a few down from Tyler's. They chatted between the space that separated them, talking about Tyler's next class and Josh giving him directions and saying he'd meet him here after every class period, just to have someone to talk to and give him little nudges of encouragement. Tyler still hadn't asked his mom if he could go over to his house after school, but she'd probably be so thrilled that he made a friend that she wouldn't mind letting him hang out for a few hours. He'd text her at the end of the day, closer to the time, just in case Josh changed his mind in the few hours of the school day.

-

Without Josh, it seemed like school dragged on for an eternity or more. However, in the classes he had with him, he could've sworn that he blinked a few times and then the next bell was ringing. They actually did do some work in their classes together, believe it or not, Josh helping him catch up on what they had already learned. He was so helpful. So nice. So sweet.

"Are we still on for tonight?" Josh asked at the end of the day, both of them gathering their backpacks from their lockers, stuffing the essentials inside of them. Tyler couldn't help but smile, head picking up as he looked over to him. "Yeah, of course. I just have to text my mom really quick .Oh--hey, do you drive? I don't, my parents had to drive me to school and--" He stopped talking once Josh nodded. "Yeah, I do. It's really gross and old, so, don't expect anything too fancy." He warned.

Tyler nodded in understanding, dodging Zack as he walked out the front doors to head home. He grabbed his phone a shot out a quick message to his mom to let her know what he was doing and why he wasn't coming home, following Josh out to the parking lot.

"Ta-da." Josh said, arriving to the back of the lot where a 1998 Dodge Dakota sat in all its glory, rust and chipped paint be damned. 

"It looks really cool," Tyler said, being quite sincere, eyeing up the truck. It was really cool to him that Josh had his own car, despite the condition. It was probably due to age and not to mishandling, anyway.

Tyler climbed in the passenger seat while Josh slung his bag in the back, telling Tyler to do the same while he started the car up. "I only have the radio, no CD or cassette player or anything. Definitely no aux cord," he laughed, pulling through the parking space in front of him to head to the exit. "Sorry it isn't much."

"No, dude, it's fine. It's really cool that you have this. I couldn't get a car even if I wanted to, I have four younger siblings and I'm only 15. I can't drive yet."

"I just turned 16 in June," Josh explained, looking over to him at a stop sign, waiting for the flow of traffic to clear. "So I've only had my license about two months. Do you have your permit yet?" Tyler gave a nod in confirmation. "I turn 16 on December 1st. Maybe I'll get my license then, but I still don't have a car." Josh shrugged back to him. "That's okay. I don't mind doing the driving in this relationship," he teased, but Tyler's cheeks burned a deep red anyway. This wasn't a relationship. This was hardly a friendship. His mouth overtook his mind on the next few words, unable to stop himself. "My parents would kill me if I was gay--which I'm totally _not_ , because if I was I'd be kicked out of the house. We're Christian. They are. They think it's wrong, it's a sin. It is wrong. Right?"

Josh didn't say anything, he simply paused and looked at Tyler the next time he was able, when he was sure they wouldn't rear-end someone. "Why is it wrong?"

"Man shall not lie with man. Or something like that. Right?"

"Didn't you just say it was your parents who think it's wrong? You said _they_. What about you, Ty? You have your own brain, your own opinion. What do you think?"

Tyler hesitated, a shaky breath leaving his lips. "I think my parents are right. It shouldn't be like that. It's a sin."

"Ty, do you believe in God for you, or because your parents do?"

Another pause. A long one as he racked his brain for some kind of answer.

"I don't know if I believe in God, Josh." He admitted in a whisper. Why was he telling him this? He didn't know Josh. Josh was just a stranger and suddenly he was going to pour out all the fears he had? All the doubts that laid around?

Josh didn't say anything, silently allowing him to continue.

"It's like, if God was real why are there kids that are dying? Is God killing the kids? Why isn't He saving the ones with cancer, brain tumors, heart failures, stillborns... Like, if every child is a gift of God, why is He taking them back? Kids don't have return receipts. You can't just pick it out and then ship it back when you think 'Oh, never mind'. That's not how that works, right? What about the innocence of lives? Those who get hurt and abused and sick, why isn't He helping them? He's just letting these things happen and isn't stopping any of it. My brain is sick and I'm not getting cured, but what did I do to deserve this? Why couldn't I just be normal? Make friends, not hate myself all the time, not wonder if I'm better off dead, not think everything I do is wrong, just--"

"Shit, I'm sorry." Tyler whispered. "I didn't meant to freak you out, or scare you, I just...I've never told anyone that before? I trust you. You seemed like the right person to tell," he explained, and Josh nodded, pulling up to a nice looking home, putting the truck in park.

"Hey, it's okay, Ty. We all get like this. Would you believe my parents raised me and my siblings religious?" Josh quipped, which Tyler shook his head to. "No, you couldn't. Not with the piercings and the gauges and the rebellion and the hair dye. God isn't for everyone, Tyler. You might be included, as much as you don't want to be. And it's not wrong if you don't believe. Some people just...don't. I'm kinda on the same page as you. He's never really done anything to help me out. Is He even there?" 

Tyler swallowed over a lump in his throat, but he was calming down. He felt at ease; Josh's words comforting him. "Thank you."

-

Once they got inside, Tyler couldn't help his eyes from wandering. "The only one that's home right now is my brother, Jordan. He's cool, he won't bug us." Josh promised, leading him upstairs and up to his room. "Hey, man," he called, earning a "Sup?" in reply. His brother. "I've got a friend over, we'll just be hanging out, alright? Don't need me for anything." "I'll try not to."

Josh shut his bedroom door behind them, waving his hand to invite Tyler to sit. "It's cool, it won't bite. No matter how messy it is, there are no closet monsters," he laughed, letting his bag drop down beside his desk. The room wasn't that messy in reality, just a few piles of clothes lying on the floor. Dirty jeans, a couple old t-shirts, but nothing obscene. He wasn't _that_ sloppy. Today.

"You can sit, man. Do you wanna do homework?" Josh asked, making Tyler scrunch his nose up. "I just got out of doing eight hours of work, my brain feels dead. You mentioned something about video games, though?" He asked, and Josh grinned. 

"Hell yeah. You like Mario Kart?" He asked, and Tyler gave him a puzzled look. "Can I tell you a secret? I've never actually...really played a video game. I just watch YouTube videos of other people playing them."

Josh's jaw couldn't have dropped any lower. "Tyler Joseph! Never?!" Tyler shook his head in response, starting to chuckle at how dramatic the boy beside him was being.

"You're gonna love this." He turned his Xbox on, grabbing two controllers for them, and sitting on the edge of his bed. Tyler joined him, crossing his legs neatly so he looked like a pretzel. It took a few minutes for Josh to explain the concept and the controls, but he finally thought he got the hang of it. "I'll go easy on you," Josh promised. "But I call dibs on Toad. Who do you wanna be?"

Tyler looked over the screen of characters, thinking way too deeply about his options. "I like the princess with the brown hair. Will you make fun of me if I be her?"

"Fuck no. Princess Daisy is pretty badass. Killer fast car," Josh said with a nod. "I respect your choices. I'll never make fun of you," he said sincerely, and though Tyler thought he just meant his choice of character, he knew his voice held a tone that promised so much more.

Eventually, after a few rounds of Tyler beating Josh and Josh coming back around to kick Tyler's ass, he got a notice saying it was time to head home for dinner.

They both couldn't stop laughing as Josh walked him out, assuring he got out safely. "I had a lot of fun today, man. Thanks for coming and hanging out with me."

"No, man, thanks for inviting me. I really enjoyed myself. I'll see you tomorrow at school?"

"Most definitely." Josh grinned. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive you home? It's kinda late, kinda dark." Yeah, he cared about his safety, but maybe he just wanted to spend a little bit more time with his new friend.

"I promise I'm only a few streets over," Tyler insisted. "We can hang out whenever. I'll see you in school tomorrow, right?" Josh nodded back, and was about to let him go before he remembered something.

"Hey, is it weird to get your number? So we can still talk and stuff?" He asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You wanna text me?" Tyler asked, practically beaming.

"Well, yeah. I like you, Ty. I knew you were cool."

They exchanged numbers, each totally and casually setting cool name's for each other as soon as their phones were handed back, and Josh waved the other off with a grin.

Tyler liked his new friend.


	4. It's Our Hearts That Make the Beat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Why would Josh want to be friends with someone like **you?"**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my friends, thank you for all the kudos on this work!! it is really motivating me. i promise as chapters progress things will happen, i have a checklist of all the thing i want to happen. i'm sorry if i don't update frequently enough or things get jumbled, but thank you for sticking with me!! a small trigger warning for depressing/intrusive/panicking thoughts, it's basically tyler's head talking him down. nothing graphic, just very self-hating.

At dinner that night, Tyler couldn't stop raving about his new friend. His parents seemed pleased that he was going out and socializing, internally fearing he'd become kind of a hermit. He just wasn't that good at talking, that's all. He spoke before his mind had time to process things, then before he knew it, he was alone again. Still, he rambled on, even through bites of mashed potatoes. 

"I mean, like, I can't _believe_ I've never played Mario Kart until today! We should buy an Xbox. We can all chip in, it can be like a family thing. Man, it was so much fun. I only met his brother, his parents weren't home, but that's really all we did. I don't have any homework, don't worry, so it's not like we could've been doing that instead. Zack, you'll love it. I'll totally kick your butt!" Tyler exclaimed gleefully, earning an eye roll from the other. 

"Seems like you had fun, huh? Maybe you can invite him over sometime. Seems like a catch," his mom added with a nod, starting to clear the plates as dinner came to a close. Madison helped her clear the table while Tyler and his brothers handled the dishes, and by the time they had finished, Jay was getting annoyed. 

"And his hair is this wicked bright blue color, but he wants to go pur--"

"Tyler, dude, can you _shut up_ about Josh for five seconds? Is that too much to ask? You've been going on about him all night. We get it, you made a friend on your first day, so cool. But some of us don't really care." He grumbled, and damn, for his kid brother to say such a thing, really hurt his feelings.

"Sorry." Tyler mumbled, almost sinking in on himself. They finished drying everything in silence, Tyler too ashamed to say anything else. Sure, Jay was twelve and in his asshole preteen stage, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt his feelings. Even if he was three years younger than him and he knew he didn't mean it, it still upset him.

While the rest of his family stayed in the living room for a little bit of a movie night, curling up on armchairs and couches, Tyler decided to go up into his room with a heavy sigh. He flopped himself down onto his bed, staring up at the dull ceiling for what seemed like an eternity, his mind racing.

So what if he couldn't stop talking about Josh? He had made a _friend_. He wanted to talk about him. He was so cool, and he'd known him for a day. Tyler was sure that the longer he knew him for, the more cool things he'd find out, which would only make him want to talk about him more. He sat up, grabbing his phone from his pocket and scrolled down until he found Josh's contact.

[tyler]: hey, man, it's tyler  
[tyler]: shit u knew that. i forgot i gave u my number too  
[tyler]: is it weird if i already wanna come back over and hang out some more? my brother is kinda being a douche and idk, ur brother seems cool

It took a few minutes for his phone to buzz back, but when it did Tyler grabbed for it immediately.

[jish]: sorry to hear your bro's being a douche. jordan's not that bad, sometimes. i think we were meant to be twins  
[jish]: it's also not weird, i miss you too, dude.  
[jish]: wanna talk about your brother?

Tyler felt...thrilled. Josh _missed_ him? He felt something in his chest. It was his heart. Was he having a heart attack? An asthma attack? (He didn't even _have_ asthma, mind you) A panic attack? Why did he feel all...

[tyler]: i just realized i mistyped ur name and put "jish" instead of "josh"  
[jish]: jish. that's a new one  
[jish]: i like it a lot  
[tyler]: anyway, i have two bros, right? zack and jay. zack is 14 and he's a freshman, jay is 12 and he's in 8th grade. i also have maddie, my little sister, but she's not relevant to the story  
[jish]: i am intrigued. continue  
[tyler]: so, i'm sitting down eating dinner right?  
[jish]: right  
[tyler]: and i keep talking about my first day of school because hey isn't that the stuff parents wanna hear? and no one really cared and when me and my brothers did dishes jay told me to shut up cause no one cares  
[tyler]: like, sorry i had fun for once in my life and didn't feel like a waste of space for five seconds and wanted to share  
[jish]: hey.  
[tyler]: yeah?  
[jish]: you're not a waste of space. ever. idk why, but i feel like we were meant to meet, tyler joseph. it's like fate, destiny  
[tyler]: my parents putting me into public school.  
[jish]: no matter! it's safe to say you're my best friend.  
[jish]: now as i was saying.  
[jish]: you are not a waste of space. you're so cool, tyler, i really had fun today. it kinda feels like i wanna see you every day and just hang out with you all the time and be by you and kick your ass at mario kart all the time (;  
[tyler]: hey, i totally annihilated you today.  
[jish]: that's a big word. and you totally missed my point.  
[tyler]: i didn't. thank you, josh.  
[jish]: that's jish to you, sir.

Tyler closed his phone with another smile gracing his face, unable to stop beaming. Josh made him feel good. Like, _really_ good. Is this what friends were like? Had he finally been blessed enough to find someone who didn't hate him as much as he hated himself, and wanted him to be their friend, too?

It seemed too good to be true.

-

It wasn't until Zack came up to bed that Tyler looked up from his phone, having been texting Josh the entire time the others were downstairs.

"It's a good thing you didn't join us. Jay wouldn't shut up, and besides, it was a sad dog movie," Zack said, tearing his shirt off to change into some pajamas.

"Aw, I hate sad dog movies," Tyler mumbled, sitting up to go cross-legged, hugging a pillow to his chest.

"I know, dude." He chuckled in return, glancing to him. "Jay wouldn't shut up about how annoying you were being today."

Tyler faltered, chin falling onto the top edge of the pillow, eyes meeting the floor. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was that bad. I just had a really good day today, dude, and--"

"I know, it's okay. You don't have to defend yourself to me; I'm on your side. He was being a dick. He just had a shit first day because some kids shoved him into a locker and told him he looked like a goblin. He had no right to take it out on you just because you had a good day at school and he didn't."

Tyler frowned a bit, and then nodded slightly in agreement. "Is he okay? Is he hurt?" "He's fine, I promise. Just being a little dickwad." Zack mumbled, falling face first into his pillow with a heavy sigh. "High school is weird. Is it high school in general or just because we've never been to school before?" He asked, picking his head up to look at Tyler, who merely shrugged in response. "It's weird, I think. But in a good way. Wait until you find your Josh," he beamed, and Zack couldn't help but laugh. "Shit, dude, keep talking about him like that and people will think he's your boyfriend." He teased.

Whoa, what?

Tyler didn't have time to question him, because by the time he processed the comment, Zack had turned his bedside lamp off and was in the process of going to sleep. Tyler turned his light off as well, his phone the only thing illuminating the dark room. He texted Josh until he finally was told that the other way going to sleep, and when Tyler checked what time it was he almost fainted.

He'd been up talking to this boy until well past midnight.

Still, exhaustion never came to him. He simply laid awake, the wind rustling the outside world. There weren't many noises at this ungodly hour, not many cars who drove by his street. All he was left with was the emptiness of his mind. Had Josh lied to him so he'd stop talking to him? What if he wasn't really going to sleep, he just couldn't be bothered with him any more?

No, that was silly. It was almost 1am. Of course he was tired.

Then a voice;

 _"Why would Josh want to be friends with someone like **you?"**_ It asked. Fear crept into Tyler's skin, eyes glossing over. It felt like he had become glued to the bed--paralyzed, almost. Was he? He didn't dare try to move. _"Look at you. **Pathetic.**_ " The voice seethed. _"You really think you don't know why you're so attached to him? You think he likes you? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. You're **disgusting**. He's taking pity on you. Why the hell would he care about some depressed, worthless character? He was wrong. You take up so much God damn space, Tyler. Tyler, Tyler, Tyler...what ever will we do about that?"_

 _No._ He told himself.

"No." He spoke aloud this time.

 _"No?"_ The voice snickered. _"Tyler. Face it. You are **nothing** to him. Why would he want to be your friend? You're nowhere near good enough. You don't have any talents, any skills, you don't excel in anything. All you do is sit around all day and cry like the big baby you are. What? You gonna cry right now, little boy? Cry because you **know** you only have me? It's a fuckin' shame you've lasted as long as you have. You have no point being here! Your family doesn't love you, none of your brothers, your sister, and neither will Jo-!"_

Tyler crammed his head in between the bed and his pillow, squeezing so tightly he thought his fingers were going to fall off. 

_**"No."**_ Tyler said through gritted teeth. "It's not true."

Was it?

Was Josh using him? Was he just temporary in his life? Surely, he didn't actually care about him...in a few days, Tyler would know his way around the school and Josh wouldn't help him any more...he'd find his own friends. His own friends he sure he already had. He probably made a bet with them or something he could befriend the newbie. The weirdo. The little ball of anxiety that stormed through the front doors.

No...

_No._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay phew. also i really have no length concept so if some of these are really short or really long i'm so sorry??? also i don't really like proofreading so if i've made any mistakes please don't be afraid to let me know and i'll update it as needed. thank you so much for reading i hope you enjoyed this chapter and i hope to write more probably tonight!!!


	5. Into a Wall I've Hit a Hundred Times Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i'm so sorry it's been 8 days since i've updated, i had a lot of shit going on. i wasn't really in the best place mentally, i was broken up with, and now i'm recovering. i'm getting over it and pushing through, and doing okay <3 i just really didn't want to add to this story in a fit of depression and self loathing and i promise i will not push my hardships into this work!! keep in mind tyler is struggling in this story so that doesn't mean it won't happen, i just mean that my life does not equal this story so just because i'm depressed doesn't mean tyler will be. there is him being very self doubting in this chapter but as you all know that's a continuation from the last chapter!!!!

Tyler could barely find the energy to get himself out of bed the next day.

Not that he had slept, of course. He was exhausted; eyes having been glued to the corner of his ceiling for what seemed like an eternity. It wasn't until Zack's alarm went off precisely at 6:30 that morning that he was jarred from his thoughts. A groan came from the opposite side of the room, and Tyler simply didn't move, not having any energy to continue through the day. He didn't want to see his brother, his parents, not even Josh. He didn't deserve to be happy, the voices in his head had concluded the previous night. He wasn't mentally fit to have friends and support--so sure enough he wouldn't get it. 

"Dude, ya gotta get up." Zack said, throwing a t-shirt on that seemed to smell okay. "Dad will kill you if we're late because you didn't wanna get up today."

Tyler knew he was right. Man, if he could just play dead...

He managed to drag himself up with a heavy sigh, and almost immediately he collapsed back onto the bed. Maybe he stood up too fast. He sat on the edge of the bed for a lingering moment, hands folded together in his lap, eyes barely able to focus on the quaking fingertips before him. He dug the palms of his hands against his eyelids, scrubbing the lack of sleep from them in hopes to spruce him up some. Though it didn't do much to help, it gave him the motivation to stand and dress himself. He couldn't quite pick an emotion; but he knew he felt empty on the inside. It was as if his veins had run dry, no longer pumped enough blood for support and instead were simply hollowed out. How was he managing without blood coursing through him? Was there _anything_ besides misery pulsing through him? Maybe some feelings of self-doubt and hatred, but other than that, he couldn't pinpoint a single quality that wasn't simply keeping him from dying.

That's what it was.

Surely, he wasn't alive. There was a big difference you know; living and not dying. Tyler wasn't living. 

He had the same routine every morning of dreading awakening, praying to someone out there that he wouldn't wake up the next morning. He dragged himself up and slumped through the misery the day brought him, never ceasing suffering. It wasn't anything that could've been prevented. He had an excellent home life--loving parents, nice siblings, a good education.

Why did he feel so empty and alone?

Of course, this was only on his bad days. 

Of course he had good days.

This just wasn't one of them.

And on his bad days, there wasn't much that he could recall. He knew the routine. Waking up, pushing through, going to bed. Not necessarily sleeping, but passing out from sheer exhaustion of being up for far too long with intrusive thoughts. 

So, that was exactly what he was in the process of doing.

Grabbing a hoodie that was screwed up in the corner of the room and jeans from his closet, he rubbed a tired hand over his face as he trudged into the bathroom. Closing the door behind him, he ran the cold water and splashed some onto his face in an attempt to jolt him awake, with no such luck. Instead, he found himself face-to-face with the mirror, and fuck, he looked awful. The bags under his eyes looked so heavy that they might as well have belonged to someone doing retail therapy. His skin didn't look pastier--he looked more _grey_ than anything. The veins in his eyelids bulged bright blue and purple against the blank canvas of his skin, every blemish and imperfection seeping through to the surface. His hair looked like a grease trap--like he hadn't washed it in weeks. When...was the last time he'd showered? Could he remember? He didn't have time to do it now, so he settled on a few swipes of deodorant and giving his locks a little tussle with damp fingertips. He'd shower when he got home. 

In all seriousness--he didn't recognize the person in the mirror.

He stared and tried to find something that was familiar, to no avail. 

Sighing, he exited the bathroom and grabbed his backpack from off of his bed, slinging it over his shoulder and making his way down to the kitchen.

He wasn't much in the mood for breakfast, but grabbed a piece of toast his mother had set out on a plate, his siblings digging away at their meals. After they'd all finished, they piled up into their dad's car and made the haul to school. Jay and Maddy sat in the first row of seats in the back, while Zack and Tyler got shoved into the farthest seats. After the two youngest ones got dropped off at the middle school, it wasn't a long drive until they came up to the high school and the remaining two boys made their exit.

Their dad called a goodbye, and as soon as the pair passed the double doors, they went their separate ways with a slight wave. 

Tyler was practically a zombie as he came up to his locker, fixing the combination in with a heavy sigh. Cramming his backpack in and taking his textbooks out, he jolted with surprise as he shut the locker door and was met with a familiar face.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," Josh laughed. "Totally could've sworn you would've seen my feet under the door. C'mon, Ty, your game is slackin'!" He grinned, and Tyler just sort of blinked at him.

He was still here? Still talking to him?

"What are you..." Tyler began, a puzzled look gracing his face as he eyed over the boy. "Josh, you know you don't have to be my friend, right? Just because I'm a new kid doesn't mean you have to force yourself to be nice to them and weasel into my life. Like, you aren't obligated to. I know you have other friends and I don't want you wasting your time on me, because I can give literally nothing to this friendship. I have nothing to put forth that isn't a bad quality, or something that'll drive you away. Okay? Like...do you understand? I'm not forcing you here. I don't want you to think I'm _making_ you be friends with me."

Josh blanked for a solid minute.

"Ty, what on earth are you talking about? Tyler, _listen_ to me. I know you don't dictate my life, I'm here on my own time. You seem really cool, and I don't know, I like you. I wanna be your friend, but if you didn't want me around, man, you just had to say so." 

Tyler could feel the surge in his heart upon looking at Josh's face; an emotion resembling defeat creasing his beautiful features. "No, I...I just..." He shook his head. "Josh, I want you here. I want to be friends with you, I like you, too. I just...I have a lot going on. Always. And--I don't want to see you suffer, too." His voice grew quieter with each passing word, and Josh's face looked a little less like he'd just been kicked. 

"Suffer?" Josh asked quietly. "Ty, since you popped up, I've never been happier. I literally could hardly sleep last night because I kept thinking about you and I just wanted to invite you over again, and I came to school thirty minutes earlier just in case you got here early because I wanted to see you so badly. I don't think I could ever suffer around you," he said, gaze shifting as the words kept pouring out of his mouth. "All I have to do is think about you and I smile, and I have no idea how you do it, honestly. I'm just glad you do."

"You don't...you're not sick of me? You really mean this?" Tyler piped up, and couldn't help but feel lighter. His face brightened and he stopped slumping so much, arms gathering tighter around the books he clutched. "Shit, Josh, I was so scared last night," he admitted in a slight laugh. "I really...I don't know. I gotta stop thinking so much, huh? I like being around you. You make me feel happy, too." 

The pair grinned at that, heading off to class.

-

They never split from the others hip that day; talking in classes, in between, and after them. Neither one of them could stop the wild grins they were donning, and neither of them wanted to stop, either. Tyler texted his mom again at the end of the day to let her know he'd be going to Josh's again, and he couldn't imagine feeling more comfortable as they approached Josh's bedroom again. Hours of gaming, talking, and laughing later, the two were sprawled across Josh's bed, Tyler's head down by Josh's feet as they laid opposite each other.

"I can't believe you've never seen 'The Princess Bride'!" Tyler exclaimed. "Such a cinematic classic. Totally not a lame love story--it's so badass! Seriously, you'd love it, dude."  
"Anything with the word 'Princess' in the title makes me doubt it. Two younger sisters make it _certain_ that there's a Prince Charming and some sappy kiss."  
"Just because those things may or may not happen doesn't make it less cool!"  
"You're such a dork, Ty."  
"I am not!"

They bantered for another moment before Josh swept himself up, and in a swing of confidence, knelt over Tyler to begin tickling him.

"Josh, _no_!" He gasped, knees curling up as he tried to swat his hands away, laughing so unbelievably hard as Josh's fingers twisted into his skin. "Josh, please, please!" He begged, though Josh just continued on, laughing with the boy underneath him as he watched him squirm.

Eventually, after what Tyler felt like was an eternity, he managed to swat Josh off of him, but in turn made him kind of really close. Josh had been holding himself up with one hand over Tyler, having it rested beside his head, when Tyler knocked it down and caused Josh to cease his tickling, and unable to keep himself too upright.

Was it getting hot in there?

Tyler found it very hard to breathe as Josh was practically laying on him, their chests together and faces inches apart. The last of their giggles spilled from their lips, eyes meeting and Josh swore he could feel his heart stop as he gazed into the boy underneath's him beautiful set of eyes. 

He couldn't remember seeing anything so beautiful in all the years he'd been alive. Was _this_ what people meant by experiencing true beauty? He didn't know. He assumed yes, because fuck, Tyler was...

They stayed like that for a moment, Tyler's doe eyes staring back at him with the same look of affection that were embedded in his own, and Josh settled his hand again. This time, he let it cup Tyler's cheek, thumb grazing over his cheekbone and down to hold the back of his neck. "Ty, I..." He began quietly, unsure of what to say.

Tyler knew. How could he not?

He gulped; a heavy pit growing in his throat that he tried to avoid. "It's okay, Josh," he whispered in assurance, and received a faint nod as an answer. 

Josh looked at him for a while longer, unsure if this was really happening. Fuck, was this real life? Was Tyler okay? He could almost sense the nerves under him, but he'd said it was okay. Right? That was okay, right? 

"Fuck it," he mumbled, and leaned down to connect their lips, kissing him gently.

There were no more complaints.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaAAAA I HOPE U LIKED IT I JUST KINDA THREW IT TOGETHER AND REALLY WANTED TO HAVE A SLOWER BURN BUT I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I REALLY HOPE YOU LIKED IT I'LL ADD MORE AS SOON AS I CAN THANK YOU FOR READING


	6. Now I Know I'm Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> internalized homophobia tw for this chapter, also tyler takes a very hot shower and it's kind of a loose ~self hatred~ technique but he doesn't hurt himself

The kiss felt like an eternity and a millisecond all at once.

The pair were both leaning into it at first; Josh cupping the back of Tyler's neck, while Tyler grabbed the collar of Josh's shirt to keep him there. Josh's hand was trembling, though he was unsure if it was because of how much weight he was holding on it or the nerves that were coursing through him. Was he _actually_ kissing Tyler Joseph? His best friend? Had he just decided Tyler was his best friend? Was he screwing this up? Fuck, fuck.

Tyler was the one to pull away, a shaky breath sighing from his lips, eyes scattering nervously over Josh's features. "Josh, I'm--" He stumbled for a moment, the grip in his shirt getting tighter, shaking his head. "Josh, I'm not gay. I can't be," he whispered, and suddenly his stomach was churning. What if his parents found out? Oh, God. Josh was his first kiss. His best friend, his first friend, and had he already ruined it? Fuck, he didn't want to think about that. The only thing racing through his mind was that he had just kissed someone, a _boy_ no doubt, and he was freaking out. Josh scrambled off of him, rocking back on his heels and still kneeling as he looked over Tyler. "You--you said it was okay," he blurted out, just as confused as the boy in front of him.

Tyler pushed himself up to rest on the palms of his hands, trying to find an excuse, but he couldn't. "I know. Josh, I know, but I--I can't, they'll kill me! I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not--"

"Ty, breathe, please. You're freaking me out. You don't _have_ to be gay. Do you like girls, too? You know there are such things as bisexuals?" Josh asked, trying to find ways to calm him down. Tyler quickly shook his head, bunching his fists into his sleeves. "I don't think so, Josh. You make me feel warm and happy and I thought that was just you being my friend but I had some friends in church, guy friends too, and no one made me feel like you have. I've never felt this way around girls and oh _God_ am I gay? Josh, am I gay? Help me, please, I can't--" He rushed his words out in heavy panic, looking to Josh desperately.

Josh took his hands, shushing him gently. "Tyler, please, just breathe. If...if you've never thought that girls were pretty, or girls made you feel warm inside...if you feel that way around _me_ , and you haven't felt like it before...I think it means you like me. I think you're gay, Tyler." He whispered. "And that's okay! Ty, love, it's totally fine! Screw your parents--I'm here for you. Listen, I know it's hard. When I found out I liked boys too I freaked the fuck out. My mom, she's really cool with it. My dad still thinks it's kind of a 'phase' deal and that since I still like girls I'm just confused. Not that I don't like you--I mean, just, like I still think girls are pretty. I'm bisexual," Josh cleared up, giving him a little nod. "I don't have any preference towards one gender or the other, I just mean I'm attracted to both. I've only ever dated one person, a girl, and I know I like boys because I feel around you how she made me feel." He explained simply, looking over at him, seeing if his words were helping or hurting. "Ty, if you ever get kicked out or something, you're welcome to stay with me. My mom loves you anyway. She'll understand, she gets it," he promised.

Tyler could barely contain his mind, words and thoughts stirring around extremely uncomfortably. "Josh...I _can't,_ " he whispered, insisting. He knew what his parents would do. They'd probably kill him, literally, but he couldn't be too sure. Yeah, it was illegal, but maybe they'd just kill him internally. He already felt dead most days, would they emotionally damage him to the point of no return? Would he ever have a good day again? He really, really didn't want to find out. "I can't tell them," he changed the words, avoiding his gaze for a moment. "I don't know what'll happen if they found out. They're so...against it. They love God, God is never wrong, he doesn't make mistakes. Could you imagine if I was their mistake? They wouldn't ever accept it. I mean...Josh, they're so devoted to God, I can't--" 

"Shh," Josh cooed, pulling him into his arms, glad Tyler accepted the embrace. "No one is saying you have to. It's okay, Tyler. It's okay that this happened. You are _**not**_ a mistake, or a bad person for liking boys. I know what your parents are like, it's how my dad is. I'm always here for you, Ty. This is always a safe space." He promised, nodding to him. "Okay? Because, I know what you're going through. I know it's confusing and you feel sick to your stomach, right? Questioning all of your life choices, wondering if this is all just a fluke. It might be. It's definitely possible. But, I want to think it's not. If you still want to just be friends, that's okay with me. I'm not going to leave you just because you don't want to be my boyfriend," he said with a soft laugh. "I want to be your best friend. I want to see you happy, Tyler. If you don't know what you want, if you don't want to rush things, I can wait. Even if it's not me you want." Josh said instead, giving a nod. "I'll always be here for you."

Tyler took a moment to process the information, breathing out a sigh of relief as he melted more into Josh's hug. "Thank you. I really...don't know how I got so lucky here," he admitted, closing his eyes as he pressed against Josh's chest. "Can I stay the night?"

Luckily, it was Friday, so he was able to. The two were up all night talking about everything--Josh answering all of Tyler's questions. Tyler even kissed Josh once or twice more. He liked being kissed. Josh's lips were soft, and he was gentle with him. Never once did it turn to become too rough, too demanding, nothing. Josh was very patient with him, which he was extremely appreciative of. Tyler couldn't remember his heart being this happy, and he really didn't think he'd have a bad day again. Not after this.

It wasn't until roughly 3am that Tyler passed out, head curled into Josh's shoulder while Josh held him securely. They were both very comfortable in all honesty, lying on their sides and nuzzling against one another. Josh liked this. A lot. As soon as he'd seen the boy enter school, he knew he was something special. He couldn't help it. 

He so badly wanted to help him through this. He wanted to be the one who Tyler came to when he was upset, when he was happy, when he was scared. He wanted to be his best friend, someone he could trust. He loved the sense of importance in someone's life, especially with that person being Tyler. Sure, he'd felt like he'd been in love with his first girlfriend, but this? This...was different. Nothing was even official yet and he knew it, he could feel it lingering in his bones that Tyler Robert Joseph was something different. He was a once in a lifetime opportunity that was nothing short of perfection in his eyes, and he forever would be. He'd be there through every rock, every bump in the road, and every other obstacle that was tossed to him. He was going to help him the damn best he could.

Josh too, felt like he'd never have a bad day again.

-

The next morning was a very calm one. The boys struggled to get out of bed, and when they did, they skipped the idea of a 'fancy breakfast' and instead stuck with bowls of cereal. Which, they were content with, thank you very much. Josh looked absolutely stunning in the mornings, Tyler found out. His hair was sticking up at every angle; the blue becoming illuminated and shining down onto his forehead. His eyes looked a lot brighter, too, a stunning honey color. He couldn't even start on the actual angel that was his morning voice. It almost stunned him to death upon hearing how gruff it was, how _handsome_ it was. 

Tyler didn't know how he got so lucky. 

Seriously. Aside from his good looks and to-die-for morning voice, he was the most understanding being Tyler had ever encountered. And that was saying something, considering Tyler had went to confession growing up.

Their conversation still stuck in his mind from the previous night (well, morning) and he felt more and more at ease as the hours passed. Soon, he had to go home however, and Josh was more than happy to drop him off.

"Josh?" Tyler asked after buckling himself in. "Is it okay if we kiss one more time?" Josh couldn't help but chuckle at that, leaning across the center console to give him a soft, loving kiss. 

"Thanks," he said, earning a chuckle from Josh. "I should be thanking you, Ty. For letting me kiss you. You're so gorgeous," he sighed dreamily, making Tyler blush unintentionally. 

The drive home was a comfortable silence, despite it only being about a three minute drive. 

"This is our stop," Josh said, parking outside his house with a gentle little sigh. "You can call or text me all day if you want, or if you have any more questions, you know that?" Tyler nodded in response, because he felt assured now. No longer did he really feel like he was a burden to Josh. He could see he _really_ wanted him around. Maybe he'd even trust him enough to confide his secrets in him, who he really was. His bad days, his bad thoughts...

Maybe.

Tyler hopped out of the truck with a little wave, heading inside and shuffling up the stairs to his room where he dumped his bag. Josh had let him borrow some pajamas, so he was still in the clothes he'd worn to school the previous day. He grabbed new clothes and headed to the bathroom, running the water in the shower.

He let the steam fill up the room, keeping the water at a pretty hot temperature and cooling it down slightly before he stepped in. His shoulders burned a bit at the contact, but he was used to it quickly. Tyler did this every time he showered--a bad habit he couldn't seem to shake. Even though he didn't hate himself right now, it still followed him instinctively. But, as mentioned, he was used to the scalding water. He did his regular routine of shampoo, conditioner, body wash, stepping out after about ten minutes. He dried himself off, shaking his wet hair like a dog and pulling on the clean clothes.

Tyler moved back to his room where Zack had appeared into, giving him a little nod. "Hey, man. How was hanging with Josh yesterday?" 

Paranoia flooded through Tyler. He couldn't know. There was no way! It literally had _just_ happened! Like, twelve hours ago! Josh didn't have his number, so he couldn't have told him. Did Josh know someone who knew Zack who he told who told Zack and--

No. Wait. Breathe.

"It was pretty cool. We stayed up like, all night. Played video games, talked." He shrugged. "The usual. I had a lot of fun. What'd I miss?"

Zack gave a little shrug. "Not much, honestly. I met a girl yesterday in my biology class and we had to be partners. Her name is Tatum. Isn't that a cool name? Like, never heard it before. Got her number, too. She's so...so pretty," he sighed dreamily. "Have you met anyone yet?" 

Tyler shrugged. "I've met tons of people in my classes. Someone special?" He smiled faintly. "Maybe. Too soon to tell. Gotta figure myself out first, I think."

He sat down onto his bed, running his fingers through his hair. In that moment, he decided if he was going to tell anyone about Josh, it was going to be Zack first. He trusted him, more than anyone in the world, and he knew he would still love him. They were too close for something so simple to drive them apart. Besides, he had just stuck up for him the other day when Jay freaked out.

Tyler smiled to himself.

The bad days were over for now.

He felt at peace with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoyed <333


	7. Someone Holy Insisted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! so so sorry it took so long to get this chapter up, i was at lollapalooza!!! i saw the killers and they were fucking AMAZING i have such a love for brandon flowers omg

"You know, basketball tryouts are after school today." Tyler's dad said at breakfast that morning. The weekend had passed by in such a blur, he refused to believe it was already Monday again. After the sleepover at Josh's on Friday night, he hadn't really been able to think of anything else. It kind of twisted his stomach around, but ultimately he decided it was in a good way. After all, Josh was his best friend. How cool was it that he got to _love_ him, too? 

"Are they?" Tyler asked in return, speaking through a mouthful of cereal. Zack nodded in response, swallowing down the gulp of orange juice he had. "I really hope I make the team. I feel like I've been trying so hard, like, I deserve this or something." He said, earning a laugh from their father. "You do deserve it. You've seriously put a lot of effort into your aim, I think you have a real shot. What about you, Tyler?" His head turned towards his other son. "You'll try out too, won't you?"

Tyler looked up, trying to hide the grimace on his face, spoon clinking down against the bowl. "I don't know...I haven't really practiced, and I--" 

"Nonsense!" His dad boomed. "You're a natural at it, Tyler! You don't need to work as hard--you're basically already a pro! I'm sure you'll knock it out of the park."

Tyler rubbed the back of his neck with a sigh. "I mean, yeah--yeah, I guess, I just, don't know if I want to? It's...not really my thing, I don't think, I--" He was cut off before he had the chance to continue.

"You'll try out and remember your love for it once you're surrounded by your teammates." His father responded, clapping his back before heading out of the room.

This was gonna be a long day.

On the bright side, Josh was already waiting for him at his locker by the time he walked into school. Instantly, he felt brighter, forgetting the whole basketball fiasco that had taken place just twenty minutes prior.

"Hey," Josh said, grin stretching between his cheeks. "Dude, you would not _believe_ the ass whooping I gave Jordan in Mario Kart last night. Like the dude had never played before! He's such a sore loser, too, it made me think of you when we first played," he teased, earning a light shove from the other.

"Oh shush, just because I never played before and you didn't go easy on me doesn't make me a sore loser!" Tyler said, pouting to him and shaking his head. "You're just awful. So mean," he sighed out, putting his locker combination in and tossing his bag inside while Josh chuckled. "You wanna hang after school today?" "Yeah, I--" The dread hit him, making his head fall onto the locker in front of him. "Can't." He said, peering over at Josh. "My dad's making me go to basketball tryouts. I seriously just would rather die," he muttered, closing his eyes.

Josh rubbed his back in sympathy. "Hey, maybe you won't make it," he offered, to which Tyler shook his head. "Unfortunately, I'm pretty good. If I don't make the team, he'll know I deliberately messed up. Maybe I'll just slack?" He tried, earning a nod from Josh. "There you go, Ty. Just slack."

The day went by way too quickly for Tyler's comfort, and he found himself surrounded by strangers in the gymnasium at 3 o'clock on the dot. They were all changed into their gym clothes and sneakers, awkward boys of varying sizes squeaking their shoes on the floor that felt like it was made of hardened rubber.

The tryouts were way too easy, in Tyler's opinion. Dribbling around some cones, shooting free-throws, and playing a little practice game against each other.

Tyler, with ease, scored each time. So what he was good at basketball? That's all he did growing up, he'd hoped he'd be good at it. Otherwise, playing in his youth was pretty pointless.

Zack was almost as good as he was--missing a few shots here and there, stumbling on techniques, but still not as bad as some of the kids who fell flat on their faces.

Halfway through tryouts, Tyler could've sworn he saw a flash of blue hair observing from the bleachers.

The boys all ended, timing at roughly an hour and a half, changing back into their clothes and chattering about the list that would be posted tomorrow. Tyler really didn't feel anything about it, but Zack was all too anxious, as Tyler learned on their walk home.

"You're not worried because you're a fuckin' all-star." Zack huffed, pulling his backpack tighter to him. "But me? I actually had to _try_. Like, what if I don't make it on the team? You think Dad will yell at me?" Tyler scoffed. "No. He might be upset, but dude, you were great. Did you see that Andy kid? He'll never make it. Along with like, half of those kids that were in the gym. They'll be put on the easy, participation team. I have no doubt in my mind you'll make it," he tried to assure him, receiving a nod. "If I don't make it, I'm holding that against you." Zack warned, heading inside with his brother as they reached the front door.

Zack was out practically all night that night, shooting hoops in their backyard. When Tyler was asked why he didn't go join him, he simply shrugged and returned back to their room, digging his notebook out from underneath the junk in his drawer, having purposely stowed it there so no one could search for it.

Tyler let his pen wander for what seemed like an eternity, thankfully with the pen clicked in so it wouldn't mark the pages. He swirled around the pages, swirling his mind for ideas, but nothing came to him.

Perhaps he was too happy to be writing in this journal. After all, he used this as an output for his lowest moments. Still, didn't he deserve to write about being happy, too?

He scribbled down a few notes about the day, which read as followed:

-basketball practice today  
-saw josh [he circled his name with a lot of hearts]  
-is god real?  
-fuck if i know [directly under the previous note]  
-i hope not or im goin to hell lmao  
-i just wrote lmao in a notebook  
-im def going to hell  
-i!!! dont!!! wanna!!! play!!! basketball!!!!!!  
-bball  
-bbol  
-bee ball

He snapped a quick picture of the scribbles, sending them to Josh with a snicker.

[tyler]: [ATTCH: 1IMAGE]  
[tyler]: look @ how lame i am  
[jish]: that is the cutest thing i've ever seen wtf  
[jish]: are those hearts around my name?  
[jish]: OH my GOD youre SUCH a DORK  
[tyler]: shut up!!!! dont be a jerk!!!!! i will erase them!!!!  
[jish]: that's pen  
[tyler]: SHUSH

He clicked his phone off.

-

Dinner was basically a repeat of breakfast. Their dad encouraging the boys to do basketball, even if they didn't make the team, "But you two will definitely make it! You're Joseph's! Of course you made the team!", he'd boomed. That's what Tyler had feared. Zack, however, was thankful for the encouragement. Their sisters and mother stayed to themselves, mostly chatting with each other since their dad was occupying the two boys. Tyler didn't understand where his dads obsession with basketball stemmed from, but it really made him dread everything. He wouldn't be able to see Josh as much with practices and games. He was fairly sure he had practice every day after school until six, and on the days he didn't have practice, he had games which would last until who knew when. 

He felt heavy. That was the only way he could describe it.

Tyler texted Josh about his struggles that night, which seemed to alleviate some of the tension weighing in his shoulders. Josh really seemed to understand him. His anxieties, his nerves, his thoughts, feelings, everything. He was very thankful he found someone who understood him instead of judged him, someone who berated him for feeling upset instead of talking through it with him. Josh was very caring. Very understanding.

He was so lucky.

So why did he feel so bad?

_Oh._

Why was he doing this? Being _gay?_ He couldn't--

He wasn't-- 

He didn't want to think about that right now. 

Josh made him happy. Why couldn't he just fucking have that happiness and be done with it? 

Why was everything so difficult for him? Could he not just have peace? _Once?_

He grabbed his journal again, having stuffed it underneath his pillow this time for easy access. He was only away from it for the duration of their dinnertime, so it's not like anyone had been able to tamper with it, anyways. 

His mind scrambled for something, teeth anxiously gnawing away at his lower lip until something came to him, just a few simple phrases he wasn't even sure made sense. 

_I seem to close all the windows in my room the ones that tell me_

No. 

He scratched out the last few words. 

_...that tell me how I am comfortable inside this broken, tainted skin that I'm in_

By this time, he was shaking ever so slightly, fingertips trembling until his pen fell. He was quick to make use of his movements; stuffing the pen and journal back in the drawer before his whole body felt overcome with a numbing sensation, hands covering over his face as he tried to breathe through it. He couldn't even text Josh for comfort, for his whole body seemed either too tense or too numb to move. He couldn't tell which it was. What had brought him to this point? Was it Josh? No. No, Josh made him happy. 

The guilt? The consequences? 

Something burned in the back of his throat. 

_God, God, please._ His mind begged. 

_**No.**_ A voice boomed back. 

What was _wrong_ with him? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hadn't planned on tyler being on the basketball team in this fic and i was just gonna have zack on it but it felt weird to just....not have tyler on it especially cause they were homeschooled so like why would he do it and not tyler and idk!!!! i'm so sorry this fic is just every single twenty one pilots high school au trope and there's nothing original i'm just trying to write stuff i enjoy reading and i hope ur enjoying too :-) also sorry this got kinda sad and short and weird pls leave kudos/comments if you enjoy because i hope u all like this!!!!


	8. We Pretend To Live Such Perfect Lives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO so sorry it took (yet again) so long to get a chapter up, but this past week i was in california on vacation as part of my self-made breakup therapy. thank you guys so much for all the kudos, hits, and positive responses on this, i really hope you're enjoying!! also (spoiler) i don't really know where this story is going. i hope you guys dont think these are all just fillers, but maybe that's all they are? because i don't have a basic plot line? idk i'm rambling now. i know it's going to end eventually, i'm just saying i really don't think anything super climactic is going to happen in this and if you're looking for a big thrill, i apologize deeply! i'm not very good at writing and think i mentioned this is my first """""long fic""""" so i'm trying my best. thank u for listening, thank u for reading, thank u for enjoying. :~)

"Josh, I'm--" Tyler swallowed down the bile in his throat.

It was the next morning, and the pair were circled together by their lockers, as usual.

"I'm scared." Tyler said plainly, eyes refusing to meet the others. "I'm scared someone, my family, will find out. What if I'm not gay? What if I just like all this attention? What if I'm blowing things out of proportion, and this is all just a ruse in my head? That I think I like this because you treat me nicely, and no one's ever treated me like you have? I...I love you. I think that much is true. I think. I don't know! Josh, I've never been in love before, and I--"

"Ty, you need to calm down."

Josh swallowed over the own harshness pooling in his throat. He listened to Tyler intently; trying to make sense of what he was saying. Sure, he understood him just fine. Josh had had the same confusion when he was dealing with his own sexuality. He thought maybe it was all just a fluke. Boys were _supposed_ to like, girls. That's what everyone said, that's what everyone knew, so why had Josh felt like that about boys, too? Surely, he was no stranger to the demons cowering away in his thoughts, but the way that Tyler was talking...

Was he in love with him, or wasn't he? Was he just using Josh for the attention? 

He tried to shake the thoughts away, but it was all slamming into his face all at once, suffocating him.

Tyler had kept up talking, but Josh couldn't hear a word he was saying due to the ringing in his ears. "Ty, I--" He tried to make out, but his lips just moved helplessly and instead he shoved past the boy, accidentally knocking his shoulder as he practically ran into the bathroom.

Tyler was quick to follow, all his previous thoughts forgotten as he knocked on a stall door, heavy breathing coming in a response from the other side.

"Josh? Josh, what's happening?"

He had never shared about his anxiety. Josh loved Tyler to death, more than anything in this world. He was sure of it. The time just hadn't been right yet when it came to what kept him up at night. His thoughts, the things that haunted him, the ones that woke him up at ungodly hours of the morning just to panic him and overwhelm him with nausea. Tyler had his own problems of self-worth and sexuality and anxiety to worry about, Josh figured he shouldn't pile his own shit up onto the boys shoulders. The stall door seemed like an unstoppable barrier for some reason, though Josh knew it was hardly there at all. It didn't mask his panting or cries in the slightest, and _fuck_ his cover was blown. 

"Josh, Josh. _Please._ "

"Tyler, I can't--" He managed to say, shaking his head. He twisted his fingers up into his hair so painfully tightly that his knuckles turned white, head slamming onto the stall door in front of him as he let out a heavy grunt. "I..." 

Words weren't his friend right now.

"Josh, it's okay, I'm here."

"I don't think that's what I need right now. I don't need attention."

Josh regretted the choice of words as soon as he'd said them, but he really...he really needed to be alone for stuff like this. However, he definitely could have at least _attempted_ to be less of an asshole about it. But was he being an asshole, if Tyler was just using him for attention? Was there really a scenario where Josh was the bad guy? Was Tyler even the bad guy in the situation? _**Fuck**_ was his head flooded.

"I'm...yeah, right, I'm..." Tyler fumbled over the few words, trying to find an apology, or something that would spill the fuck out besides a lame excuse. What the fuck was happening?

He left the bathroom without another word. Josh knew from the door clicking shut after him, that he was finally alone.

-

Tyler didn't know what he'd done wrong. Had he said something? He was just rambling. And honestly, when he rambled, he didn't remember half of what he said. That's what his journal was for--remembering the most important jumbled thoughts that spilled from his twisted mind. He tried his hardest to recall the events, but surely he was just trying to get Josh to understand how he felt. He wasn't looking for sympathy, empathy, none of that. He just wanted him to _understand_. 

The two didn't meet the rest of the day. 

They avoided each other at their lockers, knowing when the other would arrive and planning accordingly around it.

Josh left school as soon as the bell rang, taking the back exit to the parking lot to avoid crossing the gym where Tyler was practicing.

Maybe he'd just let Tyler think on it.

Even after sweating his ass off for what seemed like an eternity, Tyler's head hadn't cleared any. If anything, it flooded more and more with intrusive thoughts that questioned his existence entirely, pondered what Josh was still doing with him. 

[ty]: i'm sorry, josh  
[ty]: i dont know whats wrong with me  
[ty]:i just idk i cant remember anything what i said today but fuck, i love you and im so thankful for you and im just really really confused right now and im scared  
[ty]: please please try and understand whats going on with me idk how long it'll take for me to figure this shit out but i want you here by my side  
[josh]: i'm not here just to give you compliments and affection, tyler.  
[josh]: i fucking love you. i don't need to stick around if it's just...just a game to you. if it's just fake.  
[ty]: can i call you?

Josh stared at his phone for a solid seven rings before he finally answered, putting the call on speakerphone while he waited for Tyler's voice to come through the receiver.

He was crying.

Shit. Guilt weighed heavily in his chest.

"Josh, I don't keep you around for attention, or for affection. I love spending time with you, and I love the way you treat me. I just mean...I just meant...that--that you treat me nicely and I love the attention I get from you because I _love_ you, not because it's attention. But-but because it's you and you're my boyfriend, and I can't lose you. You're...fuck it, Josh, Josh, you're my best friend." 

He choked on the last words.

"Tyler," he said, hardly above a whisper, so soft he was unsure if it'd even pick up.

"Tyler, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, either. I feel that my brain...my brain is _sick_ ," he said, unsure if it'd make sense.

"It makes up these things, these things that will hurt me...things that aren't true. I know you care about me, Ty, I was so fucking wrong to treat you like shit and for not believing you. I can see it--I can see it in your eyes. In yours words, your touches, your kisses...I know you love me. I know. I'm sorry I doubted it or though that I wasn't important to you. Today, hearing you, just-just hit me. I don't know. I didn't want to pile my shit onto you, you don't deserve that, and I'm trying to understand and help you through your stuff, while I'm still dealing with my own and trying to understand what I'm going through. I'm not saying I won't be there for you, I'm saying I need you to get that I can't always be this solid rock. I'm not always this...this strong figure. I try to be, for you, and for myself, but today just fucking sucked. I was so overwhelmed and suffocated, I never thought I'd make it out alive. I want to get better. I want _you_ to get better. I want us both to get better, I want us to grow together, and if you're patient enough Ty, I'd love for you to stick around."

When Tyler didn't answer after a moment, and then still nothing after a few more, Josh's stomach churned.

"Tyler?"

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Josh, I'm in love with you."

"Tyler. I'm in love with you, too."

Relief flooded both of them, though a general uneasiness still settled, it wasn't with each other, but with themselves. 

Why couldn't a snap of a finger or three heel clicks fix themselves? 

"Josh, can you come pick me up? I wanna show you something."

"I'm already on my way, love."

When Josh showed up roughly four minutes later, Tyler's fingertips were shaking as he gripped his notebook, clutching it to his chest as he climbed into the passenger seat of the truck.

"What is it?" Josh asked, but earned a shake of a head from Tyler.

"Can we go to the music store downtown? With the practice rooms?" Tyler looked almost scared, eyes shining with vulnerability as Josh looked over them. He nodded, shifting the truck into gear as he drove off. 

The two sat in a comfortable silence, Josh's hand resting on Tyler's knee as he drove, a little "I'm here" for him, while Tyler couldn't peel his eyes from the window. He was so tensed up, he didn't even think he remembered to blink, and his fingertips were growing numb from how harsh of a hold he had on his notebook. They pulled into the parking lot and Josh darted around to open Tyler's door for him, helping him down as much as he could, but Tyler still couldn't extend a hand. They walked in, Josh after Tyler while the other led the way through the store. Tyler took him to the back of the store where a few soundproof rooms were located, and a piano was lodged into the corner, along with a piano bench and a spare stool. Tyler had mentally dubbed this to be his practice room, though he knew others used it. They were bound to.

He cleared his throat, tears already welling in his eyes. He propped his notebook up, cracked his knuckles and stared at the words for a long while, fingers simply lingering over the keys. He didn't know how to start. Should he explain it? Should he tell Josh how much he meant to him?

He glanced over to where Josh was patiently sat in the opposite corner, knees propped up on the beam running underneath the bar stool. "Thank you, Josh." He murmured, and Josh didn't ask why he was thanking him.

Instead, Tyler started to play. Once the notes started, they didn't seem to stop, and he was so thankful for that. Sure, he had the piano working, but would his voice be able to cooperate the way he wanted it to?

_"Words of mine, words of yours, confusing rhymes and confusing wars. Between words of love, and words of hate, wars of dreams, and wars of vain..."_

The words were slow at first, matching the tone of the gentle keys. Suddenly, Tyler's brain almost flipped a switch as he hit the keys with more of an intensity, his words growing with him.

_"Once again I step inside my shoes, a battle now for every single thing I do, and I don't care because I don't have a clue. I see you close all the windows in my room and tell me how comfortable inside this broken tainted skin that I'm in."_

He was going so fast, he wasn't even sure if Josh would be able to understand him.

 _ **"I can't win."**_ Tyler croaked out, his vision too blurred with tears to continue. His hands dropped to his sides as he just stared at the piano until the tears consumed him so greatly, the instrument in front of him was nothing more than a watercolor canvas, mixed up blurs and shapes. Nothing was decipherable. 

Nothing except Josh, whose arms found their way around Tyler as he stood in front of him now, pulling him in towards his chest. 

"I love you, Tyler Joseph," he whispered, and as Tyler clutched onto his torso, he realized that Josh was crying, too.

"We're okay, Ty,"

"We're just fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another side note, today was my first day of school and i'll try to update as frequently as i can while juggling school + work but i have full confidence in myself if i manage my time well i can do it for you guys!!! thank you so much and please let me know if you enjoy this


	9. The Ground Taunts My Wings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO FRIENDS THANK U FOR STICKING BY MY SIDE I HOPE YOU ENJOY

Tyler couldn't believe they'd already been dating for a month now.

He had spent every day of the past month of his life at his happiest, and he got to do it all with his best friend. How damn lucky was he? Hardly anyone else could say that, he was sure of it. He spent every moment with Josh being genuinely overjoyed, and they were both working past their issues healthily.

Communication was a big part of it. Josh wouldn't allow Tyler to bottle his feelings down. He could tell when the boy was upset, and even if there wasn't anything he could do, he still tried for the sake of the relationship. Josh needed Tyler to trust him, and he did, with his life. So, now every time Tyler had issues of self-doubt, religion, or what-have-you, he turned to Josh. Josh, in turn, was a much healthier option than a notebook or using his skin as a canvas. As much as Josh preached that trust and communication was important, he still had a few issues taking his own advice. Still, he got better and better each day.

Tyler wondered if his parents suspected about Josh.

He knew Zack did. 100%, he could tell that his brother knew. How could he not? He saw them in school together, though they weren't affectionate in public, he could see the glow in Tyler's eyes. It was obvious to anyone who looked that they were so head over heels in love with each other, the mere sight was nauseating. 

It was so sickly sweet.

Tyler had finished the song he was writing, the one he'd performed for Josh when he was at his wits end. He'd decided to call it "Hear Me Now", because it felt right. He felt comfortable letting Josh listen to him, and Josh was the only one who really heard him and could understand what he was trying to say. That's why he never mentioned anything to his family; they just wouldn't get it like Josh did.

Josh.

God, just thinking about him made Ty's heart swell.

Not a minute went by that Tyler's thoughts weren't consumed by the other, even when he was supposed to be studying for his biology test that he knew he'd fail, or when basketball nationals within the school districts was coming up and he had to step up his game. His father expects the team to win. After all, with the one and only Tyler Joseph on the team, how could they lose? The other schools wouldn't stand a chance.

Naturally, that freaked Tyler out.

He wasn't some basketball machine or anything, for fucks sake.

Like his dad knew that.

He dribbled around outside, shooting basket after basket for what seemed like two and a half eternities when his mother called him in for dinner, and he sat his usual place diagonal to his father.

"How many baskets did you make tonight, Tyler?"

He gave a shrug. "Probably close to four hundred. I don't know, I lost count."

"You aren't taking this seriously enough, Tyler." His father said, drawing out a sigh. "You know what these other schools are like, how hard these kids train. If you want to have even remotely some kind of chance against them with the rest of your team not being as good as you, you're the one who has to pick up their slack and work your ass off! Sorry--your _butt_ off," he corrected, after earning a harsh glance from his wife.

"That's not fair," Tyler said, almost laughing as he stilled his forkful of green beans. "Why _me_? Can't those other kids train hard to make the team more...I don't know, more unified? Why does everything fall on me? It's my first year doing this! I'm sure there are other kids better than me!"

"Nonsense!" His father boomed. "I mean, seriously, Tyler, you know as well as I do that you're the best player that school has. Don't try and weasel your way into slacking off just because you think that you don't have the potential!"

"But Dad, that's not--!" He was cut off by a look from his mother, and he simply sighed in defeat, dropping his fork. "Fine, I'm sorry. I guess I'll go back out and practice." Tyler muttered, excusing himself from the table and heading out to their backyard once more.

It was roughly fifteen minutes later that Zack joined him outside, and he glanced over after making another shot.

"What, you come out here to ridicule me, too?" He grumbled, and immediately regretted the tone towards his brother. "Sorry. You know I'm just...overwhelmed."

Zack nodded in understanding, glancing back in the house before taking a seat on one of their benches. "Hey, look, you and I both know that I... _know_." 

Before Tyler had a chance to ask him what he was talking about, he froze, swallowing down a lump in his throat. "Are you talking about what I think you are?" Earning a nod in response. "Look, you know I love you. I don't care what you do, or with who, I haven't seen you this happy in your whole life, Tyler. I'm glad you _are_ happy. But, I'm pretty sure Dad is catching onto something. Not that it's with...you know, but I think he thinks you're seeing someone and that's what's distracting you from this. He can't put two and two together with all the study sessions you have with Josh, and him being at your games, so you're lucky he's oblivious. Still...I don't know. Can you suck it up for another few weeks and just, work more on this?"

Tyler's head was spinning. His dad could _not_ find out about Josh. He'd be dead! Literally hung in the front yard as a fucking ornament! Josh just...made him so happy. Could he devote his time to basketball instead of Josh, even for a week? Shit, nationals weren't for another three, could he seriously lay low for that long? Sure, he'd see him in school and such, but he needed time outside of school for Josh. Josh made him happy. So happy, even Zack could notice, and he hardly thought his brother gave half of a shit about him.

"I...yeah. I'll try. I can always just text him and see him in school, right?" Tyler asked, but the question wasn't for his brother, who nodded in reply anyways. "I'm always here for you too, dude. I know I don't really understand what's going on, but I can try and learn, you know? You're my older brother. I have a lot to look up to," he said, smiling gently before making his way inside.

Shit, did Zack just admit he looks up to him? Tyler looked down at his lanky frame, clutching the basketball at his hip and frowning a bit. What was there to look up to? They'd been homeschooled, so it's not like he could compare academics as an achievement or anything. He wasn't buff or toned--in fact, Zack was built better than he was, despite being younger. Still, he looked up to him? Tyler could feel his chest feel like how he did when he got around Josh, only to a lesser extent, more one of pride and comfort instead of love and comfort. He smiled faintly, keeping it concealed for himself as he shot another basket, landing it in with ease.

"Twenty to go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a happy lil filler, hope u liked it, sorry it took so long to post and it's not even that great!!!! as previously mentioned, there's literally no plot in this story. it's a huge fluff fic. pls don't expect huge plot twists or anything remotely interesting, i'm just trying to write. love u guys, thank you


	10. Desperation and Temptation Is Free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lotta basketball in this chapter. hello my friends how've you been?

Tyler hardly slept a wink the previous night. He'd been out until about eleven the night before just shooting hoops and talking with Zack, which actually made the process of shooting a ball into a hoop repeatedly much more bearable. He was scared at first that Zack knew about Josh, but as the night had continued, he realized he felt at ease with his younger brother knowing. They were lucky enough to form some kind of bond, a regular brotherly bond that Tyler was thankful for, now more than ever. He could trust Zack, knowing that he wouldn't go and tell their parents if they got into a spat or something. 

"At least I won't have to worry about you trying to steal girls from me," his brother had joked, earning a laugh from Tyler, too.

It was as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and replaced with another. Sure, he could talk about Josh freely now, being able to confide all his emotions to someone, but with his dad on the verge of knowing, it was almost as if his issues had been doubled. Of course he loved Josh, he could talk to him about it, too. All he could think about was that he'd still be able to see him in school, too, it wasn't as if they were completely losing contact. He could text him, call him, see him...his dad couldn't take that away from him.

As he dragged himself through the front doors of the school, seeing Josh's mess of blue hair filled a light within him, making him beam. "Josh, hey!" He called out, making the boy turn around to see him, greeting him with the biggest grin imaginable. "Hey, Ty," he said, setting the two off into a handshake they'd made up themselves, laughter erupting from the pair afterwards. "You look exhausted," Josh commented, the bags under Tyler's eyes a little more visible today. "Are you okay, did something happen last night?" He questioned, concern lacing his town as Tyler dialed in his locker combination. He shook his head in response, jiggling the handle to open the locker and stuff his bag inside. "No, not really. I had to shoot a lot of baskets, my dad kinda got on my ass about practice, and, uh...yeah. I was out pretty late in the back, talking to Zack, too." He said, earning a nod. "That sounds kinda terrible. At least your brother was there," Josh replied, opening his locker to take his books out for his first class. 

"Hey, can I tell you something?" Tyler asked, receiving a little scoff. "Ty, you know you can. What's up?" Josh asked, leaning on the locker beside him. 

"I, uh...Did you tell your family about us?" Tyler looked him over, getting a bit nervous as he thought about the subject. Josh felt like this was a trick question, almost hesitating in his answer. "Um...no. I mean, I told Jordan, but not my parents. I don't want my dad finding out and kicking me out or something, you know?" He said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry. You know I'm not ashamed of you or anything, I'm sorry I'm such a coward, I--" Tyler cut him off, squeezing his hand gently. "No, hey, you know I don't think that. You know as much as I do how dads are about their whole 'sons being gay' thing. It doesn't seem to sit well with them," he mumbled, then shook his head. "No, my point was, was that Zack kinda confronted me last night and told me he knew. I ended up breaking down and admitting it to him, and he's totally okay with it. He supports me. How amazing is that, can you believe it?"

Josh's lips spread out into a loving smile, taking him in for a hug, disregarding how public they were. "Tyler, that's amazing. I know it's probably not your ideal way of telling your family, but I'm so proud of you. That's such a big step, and I'm so happy for you that he's supportive. I'm really, really happy for you." 

Tyler's smile soon faded after hugging him back, having to pull away a bit. "Well, here's the thing...he..." He sighed, shaking his head. "He only brought it up because he think my dad knows something. I guess I haven't been living up to the potential in his eyes that he's set for me, and he's disappointed, he's suspicious." That earned a hard gulp from Josh. "Don't worry, he doesn't think it's you. He thinks it's a girl I'm not telling them about, Thankfully, he's so oblivious and can't put two and two together with me spending all my time with you. Anyway, my point is, and please don't hate me for this?" Tyler pleaded, receiving an eye roll in return. "Tyler, I love you." Josh whispered in response. "You know I wouldn't hate you. Ever."

"I think we have to kinda stop hanging out so much. At least until nationals are done and over with. I want to prove to him my head's still in the game, and hopefully that'll throw him off our scent for a bit. I'm sorry," Tyler said in about one breath. "We can still see each other in school, and maybe have occasional sleepovers and hangouts. We can still stay up all night texting, I'll see you at my games, right?" Josh nodded in response, moving a loose strand of hair out of Tyler's eyes. "Of course, my love. I completely understand. I'd much rather stray from you for a couple of weeks rather than the rest of my life," he laughed a bit, moving so Tyler could close his locker. 

"Thank you for being so understanding, Josh. I really don't know what I did to deserve you."

-

The nights over the next week were doomed--looped on repeat practically minute for minute. Every day at exactly three o'clock, Tyler would practice with the team until six. Then, his dad would drive them home, where they would eat dinner and finish up at about seven thirty, which is when Tyler was forced outside to shoot more and play with his brothers (and even sometimes his dad) until roughly nine thirty. From then on, he'd come in, have a snack, shower, and do his homework. Then when he was curled in bed, he'd text Josh until midnight, and wake up the next morning at five thirty, exhausted from lack of sleep, to run around the block a few times to get into better shape.

Man, sports were exhausting. He wondered how people willingly made careers out of them, and actually enjoyed doing it, too.

He didn't write as much. It really upset him that he didn't, but he didn't really have a choice. He felt like he hardly had time to breathe any more. His mom, and sometimes his dad, would get on his case about finding a job, too. More so his mother, because his father would insist that basketball is his career for right now, and he needed to focus on that more than anything else. He still had a strange feeling by the time his birthday rolled around in the upcoming months, he'd be expected to have a job lined up, but he'd worry about that when the time came. 

Josh had found a job. It was at a local music store, only about a ten minute drive from his house, that he adored. Tyler absolutely loved seeing his face light up when he talked about it. It was part-time, and Josh really only worked one or two nights a week, which thankfully didn't deprive him from Tyler. The store had good hours, and was decent pay for a first job. Tyler couldn't wait until basketball was over so he could stop in and see Josh. He couldn't wait until he could _drive_ so he could go and see Josh. 

There was an official countdown going on in school for nationals, two weeks, to be exact. The kids couldn't stop raving about it, for the basketball team was really the only good sporting team that made accomplishments. Kids had signed up to go to the arena it was being held at, paying fees for fan-bus sign ups, t-shirts to support the players, and concessions. The whole school was completely abuzz, and Tyler felt almost cocky that he was part of it.

Life hadn't been too bad since he had Zack to talk about Josh with. With the whole school loving him and giving him encouragement, even if it was only for the next two weeks before they continued pretending he didn't exist, he felt really good about himself. 

Tyler was genuinely happy with all aspects of his life. School, love, family, and friendships.

It was really peaceful to feel that way again.

-

Before he knew it, he'd spent a grand total of forty hours a week practicing basketball, counting the weekends. By all means, he should've been exhausted, but the adrenaline paid off and left him refreshed instead. The night before the big game he hardly slept. Even taking a small dosage of melatonin didn't help relax him, like he'd hoped it would. He came to school completely pumped, however, hardly able to stand still.

"Geez, you're a wired machine," Josh laughed, eyeing the boy bounce up and down on his heels. "I can't wait to see you guys kick Westmont's ass tonight. I've been hearing they don't have a star player," he mused, earning a confused look from Tyler. "They don't have Tyler Joseph on their hands."

Tyler giggled in response, giving him a light shove. "Shut up, dude. The other guys are just as good as me, if not better. I just...man, I feel so alive! I can't believe this is happening! I hope we win. If we don't, this'll all just kinda feel like it was for nothing. Like, when you quit your job, you'll just have all this weird, useless information about the store that might stick with you for the rest of your life. That's kinda how I feel about this. I don't know, it's so weird to describe. Oh man, oh man, there's like six hours!" 

"Ty!" Josh laughed, grabbing his shoulders to still him. "Tyler, love, save your energy for the game, alright? You'll need it. Try and focus at least a _little_ in class today, huh? I can't wait to see you today, you're gonna be fucking amazing!" He beamed, squeezing his shoulder before heading off.

This was the last school they had to beat to see if they'd make it to nationals in the upcoming weeks. Just one more school in the branch of districts, and they'd go head to head against the other winning team. The whole school was abuzz with excitement, knowing they were so close to victory and how it could all end with one fatal game. So far they'd been undefeated, as was the other school, hence why they were going head to head. Tyler knew from the other boys on the team that two other schools in the district were facing off against each other the next night, also threatening their undefeated streaks. Whoever won the game of those two schools would be who they'd face in the next week or so. 

Man, was he starting to get nervous.

The team got called out of their last class early to start practice a bit early, using the gym the best they could. They did their basic warm-ups, then played about two practice games, which took them until about three thirty. The bus from the rivaling school was on their way for the game to start at five, and the whole team was tense with anticipation. 

"Listen up!" Coach Hopper roared, gathering the team up in a semicircle around him. "We've beaten Westmont plenty of times, but that doesn't mean we can get cocky, boys. You know that, right? We all know the run through of the game tonight, you've all got your positions ready and I think we've really solidified them this past week, finally gettin' our full potential out. You boys are all so damn great, I know you'll make this entire school proud tonight. They seriously can't wait to see you guys play tonight, and I know it'll be worth their time, am I right?" The boys cheered in response, clapping each other on the backs and going around to one another, even Tyler.

When the other team arrived and they'd warmed up, it wasn't long after that the crowd filed in. It seemed like the entire school was there, along with a large majority of the other school's supporters on the 'guest' side of the gymnasium. Tyler couldn't recall seeing this many people before in his life. 

He was able to spot his family, and of course, that bright splash of hair he adored. Still, he didn't let himself fall into the big ball of mush that was his love for Josh Dun, and instead kept his head focused.

The game started on time, and Tyler felt his nerves flush away as soon as the coach tossed the ball in between the two starters.

It was second nature to him now, and the opposing team seriously helped in the comfort of the familiarity. It was almost exactly as how he'd practiced, both with his team and on his own. He was able to hold a steady defense, managing to steal the ball a few times as he blocked number thirty-two on the opposite team. He'd helped assist in a few shots, and even made several himself. The whole school was screaming, cheering them on with loud bursts of encouragement and airhorns. It was almost too much for his senses to handle.

The buzzer indicating the final five minutes of the game had been signaled, and they had a bit of a steady lead. It was 62-54, but the boys were still nervous. They'd been able to take a break for a final huddle between the teams and the coaches, each giving their best strategies and encouragements out in the last moments.

Tyler was moved up to offense, and though he knew he could do it, he was afraid to let the team down. What if something happened? What if the ball knocked him in the face or something, or he got a case of sweaty hands and let the ball slip from him? He eyed the scoreboard, seeing Josh out of the corner of his eye, and felt at peace again.

He could do this.

The team had managed to catch up with them more than ever, making three shots to catch them up at 60 points, leaving them with hardly a lead at all. With thirty seconds left, a lot could happen. They tried to trap the others closer to the basket so they weren't able to earn three points so they'd be in the losing stance. Tyler felt all his instincts kick in, wanting so badly to defend this asshole who kept darting around to steal the ball. In what seemed like a blur, his team had managed to get the ball back and everyone ran down to the opposite side of the court, ten seconds left on the clock.

"Tyler!" A kid named Ben had shouted at him, and before he knew it, the ball was in his hands. He was quick to observe the area around him, dribbling down until he could make a clear shot, when two things happened simultaneously.

 _Whoosh._

_**Brrrrrrrrrrrrringgggggg!** _

He'd done it. He'd done it! 

The final ended up being 65-60, too close for comfort, in Tyler's mind. The whole team had came up to hug him, even some students spectating from the audience joined the group huddle.

He so badly wanted to be hugging Josh.

After changing, he was met just outside the locker room by the one and only, who picked him up and spun him around. "Tyler, that was fucking amazing! Oh, my god, I'm so proud of you, I knew you could do it!" Josh laughed, pulling him tightly to him and kissing him in the heat of the moment. "Ty, you're _so_ gonna nail nationals. How could we not, with you! I couldn't tell you how many times you practically just walked away with the ball from those suckers. I'm so proud of you," he repeated with a dreamy sigh, falling unbelievably more in love with the boy at that moment, heart swelling with pride. "I wanna take you out to celebrate sometime, okay? I'll figure something out, but I have a paycheck or two saved up that we could go somewhere. I just want to treat you," he beamed, earning a big grin from Tyler, who kissed the tip of his nose. "I love you. Thank you, so much, I'll text you tonight." He promised, slinging his bag over his shoulder and waving Josh off.

He walked out into the commons area to meet his family, receiving even more hugs, and even a bouquet from his mother, along with two very large kisses on either cheek. "Moooom," he'd laughed, but allowed them anyway. His dad was actually smiling, proud of what Tyler had accomplished. 

He hoped this feeling would last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this felt so cliche to write in the last few paragraphs but man oh man look at that boy GO what a WINNER am i RIGHT
> 
> i hope u all enjoyed thank you for sticking around!!! comments and kudos are highly appreciated <3


	11. Then I Pray You Save The Day

That night, the Joseph family seemed like the happiest family on earth. With everyone gathering around to celebrate Tyler and his victory, there wasn't a single family member who wasn't smiling. Even Jay, who usually grumbled in the corner had smacked his brother on the back in congratulations.

Everyone except for Tyler had helped their mother make dinner, and they had Tyler's favorite, lasagna. Accompanied with the best thing in the world, garlic bread, and varying vegetables, he felt on top of the world. They all dug in roughly thirty minutes later, laughing and highlighting all of Tyler's plays. 

"How you managed all the defense!"  
"That last shot!"  
"Your fake-outs!"

"I know, I know!" Tyler laughed, swallowing down a mouthful of pasta. "I have no idea how I did it! I think it was pure luck," he admitted, thinking of the boy in the stands he knew was looking at him, and him the entire time. 

"It was your talent," his father said with a wink in his direction. "All those practices paid off--500 baskets a night. I told you it'd all be worth it, and you didn't believe me."

Tyler's smile faltered a bit, looking down as he scraped some of the lasagna noodles on his plate. "I think 500 might have been a bit...excessive, but I guess it did help." He murmured, and suddenly feared the night would turn sour. 

Thankfully, his father didn't retaliate, leaving them in a peaceful state. 

Feeling bad, Tyler washed up for his mother, clearing the dishes off of the table and putting them away accordingly. She thanked him with a kiss on his cheek, and told him they'd later have a nice little family movie night in the living room, that they'd all sit down and suffer through a movie he'd pick out. After browsing their shelves for a movie he didn't think everyone would mind too much, he settled on _Donnie Darko_ , making Maddy cuddle up next to their mother. "This movie is scary, Tyler!" She whined, earning a little laugh from him. "It is! I don't like that bunny," she huffed, and he shook his head. "Frank's hardly even there, Mads! Hide in Mom," he said, and she gave a nod.

Since he had bought the directors cut when he purchased the movie, it was a little longer than the original, leaving most of the others passed out in their places. Tyler and Zack were the only two left awake as the credits rolled, and Zack looked over to him with a faint smile. 

"You really did good tonight, dude. I wish I could do that someday." He sighed a little dreamily, clutching a pillow to his chest. "You'll have to make 500 baskets a night in order to do it," Tyler laughed, tone light as he nudged his side. "You have way more potential than I do, anyways. You really wanna do this, me on the other hand? Dude...if I wasn't so afraid of," he looked behind him, "Dad, I would never have done this." 

Zack looked to him, surprise crossing his face. "Seriously? You used to love playing when we were kids." 

Tyler just shrugged back at him. "Yeah, when it was just for fun. Now it's...it's serious. It's like, something that could get me into school, and I don't think that's something I want to do for the rest of my life. I really like music, dude. I really think I have something going there. I mean--not really. But, I have a better feeling about that then I do basketball. Do you care if we go upstairs? I don't want..." He looked behind them once again, seeing the rest of their family rest peacefully. Zack nodded in agreement, following Tyler up the stairs to their bedroom.

They sat on the edges of their beds, Tyler leaning forward so his elbows were on his knees. "With Josh and everything...he wants to be a drummer. He started his job at the music store, and he's teaching himself, and he's actually really good. I think I'm kind of decent at writing? I don't know, I just think it might be something I could really do for the rest of my life. And I love it, man, I really do. It makes me happy," he breathed out, looking to him a bit nervously. When Zack didn't answer, he leaned over to his bedside table and grabbed his notebook out, flipping open to the most recent page.

Clearing his throat, he started to make a simple beat with his pen against the wooden table, replicating the piano to the best of his abilities. 

_"Words of mine, words of yours, confusing rhymes and confusing wars. Between words of love, and words of hate, wars of dreams, and wars of vain."_

He started up the way he had with Josh in the practice room a month or so prior, though he felt more confident this time. 

_"Once again I step inside my shoes, a battle now for every single thing I do, and I don't care because I don't have a clue. I see you close all the windows in my room and tell me how comfortable inside this broken tainted skin that I'm in. I can't win."_

He had added a bit more, letting the words flow out of him.

_"I need you to break me up break me down to the sound, so I can pray that someone hears me now."_

He didn't look up to see his brother.

_"I just pray that someone hears me now."_

He continued on to the end of the song, having most of the words thought out, stumbling a little bit here and there solely for the purpose of trying to fit everything together.

Tyler was more composed this time around than he was when he performed it for Josh, pursing his lips as he finally looked up to meet his brother's eyes. 

"So?"

"Dude."

"Dude, that was amazing." Zack finished, clearing his throat. "I didn't know you could sing like that. Those words...they--what are they all about? Is this what you feel like constantly?" He asked, almost afraid of the answer. When he earned a nod in reply, his head hung a bit. "Man, why wouldn't you tell me? I can help, I can be here for you, I can--" Tyler cut him off with a brief laugh.

"Zack, as much as I love you, there's really not a lot you can do to help me. It's...it's not that simple. I can't just be cheered up and be better, I'm sick. Well, my brain is, I suppose. That's the way Josh and I have been talking about it recently. But you know what? It's okay, man. I'm a lot better with him. He...he makes me so happy. He's teaching me to love myself, he's showing me things I never knew about myself, and how I should know that I'm amazing. A lot of it is a lot of personal conflicts, but...it's late," he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't know. I don't think it's a good idea to get into, I feel like I've overshared enough."

That made Zack scoff. "We're brothers. There's no such things as oversharing." He said as he laid down, arms behind his head.

"Good night, Tyler."

"Night, dude. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here for me."

Tyler stayed up to send Josh a quick text, telling him all about how his dinner went and how his family all got along for once, which even shocked Josh. He also filled him in on Zack and their newly formed bond, telling him how it made him feel more at ease with everything, and that he loved him.

 _God_ , did he love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awwww sweet dude bro relations.


	12. Is The Blood Mine Or Yours?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things aren’t too good in the estate known as Tyler’s Brain. Someone’s moved in again, and he’s not a fan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER: 
> 
> homophobic slur, implied past-self harm, brief self-harm towards the end of the chapter, and panic attacks

Of course, after the high, comes the low. 

Tyler felt dead. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. 

His bones ached, all the basketball practices finally catching up to him and seeping through his body, making him groan. 

His _**head**_. His head pounded, ears ringing louder than any church bells he’d ever heard. Wincing, he attempted to sit up, feeling the familiar aching in his chest. 

Today meant things would go back to normal. He’d return to cowering in fear about his parents finding out about Josh, with Zack already knowing he couldn’t have been that inconspicuous. What if Zack got mad at him, they got into an argument and he outed him to his parents out of anger? 

What would he do?

He’d have to find a new place to live, find a job, find a way to pay rent. How would he continue school? He wouldn’t have any money, he doesn’t have a job, no one hires 15-year olds. He’d have to wait until December, and even then he didn’t have reliable transportation, he needed a way to get a license, and—

He was getting ahead of himself. His parents didn’t even know yet, let alone kicked him out. 

He was fine. Right?

 _“Wrong,”_ a familiar voice echoed. His stomach dropped as the distorted words rang through his brain, piercing every thought he had. 

Anxiety looked in his stomach, making him want to lurch and empty the contents of last nights dinner. He refrained, but boy, did he tremble. 

Paralyzed with fear, he simply forced himself to lay back down and just quiver. Shivers rolled through him, crashing into him like waves. Some were worse than others, but to anyone else it would’ve just looked like he was shimmering. He needed a blanket. It’d make him feel secure. He had to go to school. 

_“I have to go to school.”_ He thought. He couldn’t miss today. His parents would kill him. 

_**“Your legs won’t work, Tyler. Slowly but surely, everything inside of you is breaking down...”** _

He physically winced this time, eyes squeezing shut. 

Tears began to roll down his cheeks, mustering up enough courage to roll himself over and bury his face into the pillowcase beside him. 

He’d feign sick.

Zack was already downstairs eating while all this was happening, and after Tyler ignored a few shouts up the stairs, his mother finally came up to check on him. 

Upon finding him trembling, she frowned, pressing the back of her hand to his forehead. “Tyler, honey? Oh, dear, you’re clammy.” She murmured, earning a weak whine in reply. 

“M-Mo...Mom,” he tried to squeak out, but was instead gently hushed, the blankets being pulled over him. 

“It’s alright, Tyler. You’re sick, that’s all. I’ll get some soup from the freezer and warm it up for you if you feel like eating. You just rest,” she cooed, feeling his cheeks before retreating her way back downstairs. 

While the blanket helped slightly, he was only able to relish in the serenity of it all for a moment before the uneasiness settled back over him. 

This continued for what felt like an eternity, him pleading wordlessly to make it stop, to make him feel okay again, while someone somewhere just laughed in his face. 

He would never be okay, and he was stupid to think otherwise. 

-

It wasn’t until two o’clock that he was able to muster up the courage to try and move again, getting sick of the constant buzzing of his phone hit the wooden table beside him. _Josh._ Josh was probably worried sick about him. 

He extended an arm out to pull his phone to him, seeing a few texts from Zack and his mother, but a large majority of the texts were from Josh. 

[jish] what, did ya sleep in, all star?  
[jish] cmon, sleepyhead  
[jish] my tyguy  
[jish] hey cmon how late are you running? I miss you, I have a surprise for you  
[jish] ty :-(  
[jish] I hope you’re feeling okay, your brother said you were sick  
[jish] good thing it was today and not yesterday, huh?  
[jish] I love you, tyler, I hope you’re feeling better ❤️  
[jish] please text when you can so I know you’re okay

And though it took him that long to finally get back to him, Tyler finally responded. 

[tyler] I’m okay  
[tyler] I love you so much  
[tyler] it’s all in my head. I’m so sick, it hurts, josh  
[tyler] help me please make it stop 

Josh responded half an hour later when class was out. 

[jish] I’m coming over after school  
[jish] please stay alive. keep fighting this ty, please, I love you so much

Tyler just broke into heavier sobs upon reading his words. 

_“How **pathetic.** Even your boyfriend has to tell you how wrong it is to kill yourself. You’re so **selfish** , Tyler. How can you put him through that? He’s probably worried sick about your pathetic ass right now. Josh has a life, you freak. You **faggot**. Fucking useless. He doesn’t deserve this.”_

“Stop,” Tyler wept, pleading through his screams. 

And he did. 

He screamed at the top of his lungs, knowing the house was empty. 

The force of it moved him from his bed, allowing him to get up and kick at his bed frame, throwing his clothes out from his dresser and onto the floor. 

He felt like tearing his hair out.

_**“Go, Tyler.”** _

His eyes seemed to glaze over as his feet moved towards the bathroom, not coordinating with his brain. 

“No,” he sniffled, crashing into the countertop, holding himself up in front of the mirror. 

“I won’t do it any more. I won’t do that Josh. He’d be devastated,” he insisted. 

_“Pity. You remember how good it made you feel. Come on, Tyler, what’ll one little cut do? He doesn’t have to know. Your thighs are clear...he’ll never know. Don’t put them anywhere he’ll find them. You know what to do, Tyler.”_

His eyes shifted towards the drawer he’d claimed as his, knowing what was in the very back of it. 

He didn’t hear the front door open. 

He didn’t hear the footsteps come up the stairs. 

He didn’t even register that Josh was in the doorway. 

“Tyler?”

He looked up to see him, seeing his gaze in the mirror filled with terror. 

“I didn’t,” Tyler insisted in a whisper. 

“I believe you. Can you come here?”

He looked down to the sink, and his fist uncurled from the blade he grabbed in the heat of the moment. 

It all felt...blurry. 

And he told him that. He told Josh through his sobs as the other took hold of him, holding him and kissing the top of his head while he cried, repeating the same phrase. 

“I love you, Tyler, I love you.”

 _“I’m sorry,”_ was all Tyler could croak out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, two chapters in two days? i'm picking up my slack. hope you are all well, my dudes, thank you for reading and enjoying, it means the world to me ♥


	13. You Will Fly On Your Own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler picks himself up with some help from Josh, and he decides a thing or two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think we're headed towards the end of this, my dudes. i'm not sure when, but i feel it coming pretty soon. thank you all for sticking by me and giving your feedback, it has meant the world!! however, this is starting to feel repetitive and dragging. i've discovered an end-point for this fic, and it can be easily reached without feeling rushed, i think. once again, thank you all so much!!!

After Josh had managed to calm Tyler down, he laid with him in his bed for a while, until they knew the Joseph's would be returning home. 

"Ty, why don't you come with me to my house?" Josh murmured, running his fingers through the boy's hair. Tyler was curled up into his chest, Josh surrounding his body like a shield. And he was a shield, to Tyler, protecting him at all costs from the inner workings of his brain.

"Your house?" Tyler repeated quietly, not picking his head up to look at the other, but feeling his nod. "I texted you earlier saying I had a surprise. It's back at my house, I think it'll be fun, if you're up for it." Obviously Josh wouldn't force him to do anything, but Tyler felt like he almost owed it to him after he saved him from harming himself again. Though the impact of gripping the blade so tightly in his hands left some cuts on his palms, he'd been found in time to save a majority of his skin from being used as a canvas again. 

Tyler thanked his lucky stars every day for Josh. He even thanked God sometimes, even if he wasn't sure He was up there any more.

But if He was, he really did Tyler a huge favor.

Josh helped the other to his feet, bundling him up in the hoodie he'd worn to school to give him the comforting scent of his body. Tyler practically melted into it, the sleeves of the sweatshirt balling into his hands and reaching his nose to dive into the familiar aroma. Josh wrapped an arm around him as he led them out to his truck, easing Tyler into the passenger seat as if he were being helped into a chariot. "Nothing but the best for the best thing that I have," Josh had said, earning a smile.

The drive to Josh's was over before Tyler could register they were moving, and before he knew it they were standing in front of the mirror in Josh's bathroom.

"What's this surprise?" Tyler asked, leaning in the door frame while Josh crouched, digging in the cabinets underneath the sink.

"Close your eyes, please." Josh said, receiving a little eye roll, but Tyler complied. 

He felt a box being placed into his hands, and he popped an eye open to see a box of hair dye in his palms. 

Tyler could feel a smile spread on his lips, looking to Josh. "It's purple. You bought it."

A few weeks prior, they were going out for a date in a part of town Tyler had never really been to before. The whole car ride he felt sick to his stomach, anxious beyond belief. Bile burned in the back of his throat, and playing on his phone wasn't distracting him enough. He tried his usual calming techniques; holding Josh's hand, singing to songs on the radio, and playing solitaire on his phone, but nothing seemed to be easing his discomfort. Instead, Josh spoke to him, very plainly. They got to talking and one thing led to another, which resulted in Tyler rambling on about how much he loved Josh's hair. "You should do mermaid colors. Like, a sea foam green mixed with a light, teal-y blue, you know what I mean? Or purple. You could totally pull off purple, and your hair is already blue so it would blend in really nicely. I don't even think you'd have to bleach it because this blue is so faded, if you wanted a more pastel look. But, deep purple would look really cool, too. Like a royal purple, is that what they call it? I always have this huge memory of being a kid and getting a box of crayon's, and instead of just regular color names they were like...really elaborate for crayons. But like, they're crayons. Why can't you just call them purple, and green, and red, you know? So, this purple, my favorite shade of it, was called Purple Mountain's Majesty, and I remember reading that and being so...captivated. And I was like, five! But, man, did I wear that crayon down. I asked my mom to keep buying me crayon boxes because that's the only shade I'd use and it'd run out so quickly."

Josh had just smiled like he was now.

"Yeah, I did. It's called PPL Eater. I don't think they sell any hair dye called Purple Mountain's Majesty, but if they do, I'll find it." Josh promised.

"We should make it," Tyler murmured, giving a little chuckle. "We'll just mix colors and tones around until we get the perfect shade, trademark it, and become billionaires." "Sounds like a deal," Josh said with a wide grin. "So, what do ya say, wanna help me dye this bird's nest?" He asked, ruffling his hair up. 

And that's how they got to Josh leaning over the sink, looking like there was more dye on his ears and hairline rather than his head. "I've never dyed hair before!" Tyler gave as a defense. 

Josh craned his neck, looking to guide his hand to the faucet, running the water cold. "Isn't that awful?" Tyler asked as he stuck his head underneath the stream, having had the dye on for about forty-five minutes. "Nah, you get used to the temp. It's not so bad the fourth or fifth time you do it," Josh flashed a grin, working his fingers through his hair to rid the paste from his scalp, leaving the color to settle nicely. "You can't wash your hair for like a week, and if you do, it's best to use cold water. Helps keep the color in," he informed Tyler, who nodded in response.

Josh shook his wet hair out like a dog, grabbing a dark towel to ruffle his hair up with. "Hopefully in a bit we'll see how this bad boy turned out, huh?" He said, glancing to Tyler. "I think it's gonna look really nice."

-

"Okay, close your eyes! I want you to be surprised!" Josh called from the opposite side of his bedroom door, Tyler on the inside sitting on the edge of his bed. "C'mon, Josh, I just wanna see!" He whined impatiently, though his hands covered his eyes. As soon as he heard the door open and click shut, Tyler couldn't help but open his eyes. Boy, was he starstruck. 

"Oh my gosh," he breathed, reveling in the sight of the bright-haired boy in front of him. "Josh, Jesus...it looks amazing! I mean, you were hot before, but now?" He laughed, earning a playful shove from his boyfriend, who then pressed a kiss to his lips. "You really like it?" He asked, concern welling in his eyes as he sat criss-crossed across from Tyler. Of course he cared what Tyler thought, he was the love of his life, for God's sake. Tyler nodded once more, arms roping around Josh's neck to kiss him gently. "I absolutely love it. And I absolutely love you, too." 

Tyler took in a deep breath.

"I think I want to tell my parents," he blurted. "And yours. Your mom, at least. And my mom. I know your dad is a whole different story, and I'm way too scared of my dad to tell him yet, but my mom will get it, right? I mean, I'm her first kid. She won't just...stop loving me." Tyler said, eyes searching around for something, anything to focus on. He wasn't sure what brought on this wave of confidence, but he had a hunch that it came from the constant nausea pooling in his stomach, and that's what he told Josh.

"This isn't fair. I'm so fucking happy, Josh, I'm happy with _you_ and I can't tell anyone. I know today sucked, but you have made things for me so much better. I've been the happiest in months, and I'm finally feeling like this is who I'm supposed to be. This is why I was put on this earth. I have a purpose! I have a purpose, I have meaning, and I can't even share my happiness with anyone for fear of ridicule. If I'm outed at school I'll be bullied, shoved around and beaten down just because I like boys. What the actual _fuck_? I have to hide around in fear, dancing around my parents just so they don't _kick me out_ of the house, for God's sake! And I can't take it, it's bullshit and it's not fair! I want to tell them. I want to do it right now, Josh, right now. I can't keep hiding you. I can't get the help I need and I can't keep living my life in a fucking box, in the shadows of who I'm supposed to be. And this will help me figure out what my issues are. Maybe they'll all just magically disappear once I come out to my parents. Maybe that's what all this is, you know? The fear, the paranoia, the self-hatred. If I tell my parents I'll know for sure."

"Tyler, _whoa_ , slow down, baby. Are you sure about this?" Josh took hold of his shoulders, keeping him straight while he looked at him. "This is a really big decision. I know life sucks, and this is all really hard, but is it really what you want to do? Now?" 

"I can't keep doing this," Tyler whispered, head hanging in defeat. "It's the worst, Josh. Every damn day...I wake up in this--in this fear, this constant sickness, and I never want to be alive. I feel so ashamed of myself that I can't even look in the mirror any more. And I hate feeling like that, Josh. If I tell my parents and they hate me...so be it. At least I'll know whether to keep beating myself up over this or not. I want to not care what anyone thinks, but they're my parents. I don't know, Josh. I want them to know. If they hate me...I guess I'll cross that bridge when I have to." 

Josh nodded to him. "I understand. We can tell my mom first, if you'd like. We don't have to tell your parents today, either." Tyler simply shook his head in response. "Now is the time. They're still so hyped over the win last night, I'll just remind them I'm still the same. It'll be okay, I'll have you." 

"You'll have me," Josh agreed, squeezing his hand.

-

And that's how they ended up sharing cups of green tea with Laura, Josh's mother.

"I always suspected, but I never wanted to butt in where I wasn't supposed to," she said, already knowing of Josh's sexuality, but now referring to their relationship. "I mean, Tyler, you should see the way he just lights up when he talks about you." She beamed, making Josh's face burn a deep red. "Moooom," he murmured, but was dismissed. "I've never seen you so happy, Josh! I've always liked you, too, Tyler. If you need anything after you tell your parents, I'm here for you, sweetie." She said, leaning across the table to give Tyler's trembling hand a squeeze. 

He was sitting knee to knee with Josh, leaning against him a little more now, comforted by the support. How hard could telling his parents be, right? He had set up a time mentally, laying the whole situation out in front of him.

Tyler Joseph would no longer hide in the shadows.


	14. I Know It's Hard Sometimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler wants to be happy. He thinks he has a solution.

There was nothing Josh could do to convince Tyler to wait this out.

Nothing.

Sure, he wanted Tyler to tell his family about them, but he also wanted him safe.

He didn't want him to be disappointed.

"My dad won't even look me in the eye any more," Josh reminded gently, looking to him. "It's really not so bad being in the closet. We get sleepovers whenever we want, we get to go around and feel like teenagers for a while...disconnect all our asshole family members when we announce it," he said with a small grin. "I just don't want you to get upset, Ty. It's...it's so fucking hard to do. I'm not trying to discourage you, I just want you to know the possible outcomes and what this could do."

Tyler nodded in understanding. "I can always stay with you, right? If things go south?"

Of course Josh nodded.

And that's how they had made their way into Josh's truck and were currently standing at the bottom of his driveway, hand in hand.

"Zack knows," Tyler said. "We could get him downstairs to help."

"If that'll help you."

"It might."

Tyler walked in first, their hands now released as the pair entered the home.

"Mom? Dad?" He called out, looking around. 

"They're outside," Zack called as he bounded down the steps, taking a double-take as he saw Josh looming behind Tyler. 

"Dude, are you crazy?" He asked, glancing out the kitchen window. Tyler followed his gaze and saw his parents sitting on their back porch, enjoying the slight warmth of the day. "You brought him here?" 

"I'm gonna tell them," Tyler said firmly, giving him a nod. "I can't...I can't keep doing this, Zack. You don't have to be down here if you don't want to be, but I really need your support here." Zack hesitated for a moment, thinking of the consequences and trouble he may get into if their parents found out that he knew about the secret and didn't say anything. Ultimately, he realized how selfish that train of thought was, and nodded to him. "Of course, dude. Anything for you. Josh," he said, extending a hand and shaking the boy's. "Nice grip. Thank you, for being here for Tyler. I've never seen him like this, not even when we were kids."

Josh smiled to him, pressing a small kiss to the top of Tyler's head. Tyler beamed, then rubbed the back of his neck a bit awkwardly. "Will you do me a favor? If I get...kicked out or something, will you bring a bag of my stuff to Josh's? I'll have him text you the address, I just...man, I'm so scared." He said, plopping himself down onto a stool at their breakfast bar, followed by Zack and Josh sitting at both his sides.

Zack nodded in understanding, recalling how terrified he was when the two spoke about Josh. "They love you to death, Ty. You're their first born, the reason _why_ they're parents. I don't know...I really don't know what they'll say. But, whatever it is, you know me and Jay and Maddy will still love you. Forever. Should I tell them?"

Tyler shook his head. "Depending on how things go here I want to tell them myself. They should hear it from me."

The door snapping shut made them all their heads shoot up, and Tyler swallowed a lump in his throat. "Mom? Dad, is that you?"

"Yeah, honey, we were just enjoying the last of this heat wave," his mother answered, receiving a chuckle from his father. The two appeared in the kitchen a moment later, both stunned to see the bright flash of purple hair at their counter.

"Who's this strapping young man?" His mother inquired, and Zack looked over to the fear settled on Tyler's face. "Uh, this is Josh," he said, and Josh politely stood to shake his dad's hand and give a friendly wave to his mother. "Hi," he said, now growing fearful as well. Heavy pain weighed in his chest as he remembered how his father had reacted when he came out to him, and _fuck_ he didn't want that to happen to Tyler. 

His father looked skeptical, eyeing over the hair and the piercings, the look of disapproval donning all of his features...

It made Tyler sick.

Tears welled in his eyes. 

"Mom," he croaked out as Josh joined him back at his side. "Mom, Dad, I...I'm so sorry," he said, and was now sobbing.

"Tyler? Tyler, what's wrong?" His mother cooed, standing in front of him and enveloping him in a hug. "There, there, shhh..." she hummed, stroking his hair back out of his face. 

"Did he do something?" Chris inquired, acknowledging Josh, but asking Zack. 

Zack shook his head. "Nothing's wrong, Dad. You have to understand this, okay?"

"Understand what? What on earth is going on here?" Their father demanded.

Tyler couldn't breathe.

He was having a panic attack.

He looked up to his mother, recalled her sweet eyes, how they'd always sang to him as a child.

His father, though firm, always gentle to his kids in their youth. He would laugh and drag them through the snow on sleds, he loved his family.

He loved Tyler.

"I'm gay," he whispered, brain not catching up with his mouth as the words tumbled out.

"I'm gay." He said, firmly this time. "I've been dating Josh for a little while now, and he's helped me so much. I know I'm not okay, mentally, but he's helped me so damn much. I have never...I have never been so happy," he sniffled, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I've never been happier than when I'm with him. And I love him, I do," he insisted, now turning to look to Josh, who was beet red. He was so scared of his parents reaction, just as scared as Tyler was. "Mom," Tyler wailed, throat closing as he looked to his father. "Dad...I'm _gay_."

The room sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity.

"Honey..." Kelly cooed, pulling him in tighter. "Chris, come here," she beckoned, and her husband joined them, both of them wrapping their arms around their son.

"Tyler, we love you. Don't you forget that, okay? It's okay, baby, don't cry," she hushed, wiping the tears from his eyes as their son bawled in between them.

"I was so scared," Tyler shuddered. "I don't know if I can believe in God and be gay, and I-I didn't want you to disown me, and--"

"Disown you? Son, we are...we are so _proud_ of you and everything you do." His father said firmly. "I can't say it's not a shock, but nothing will ever change about how we feel about you."

Kelly turned and looked to Josh, extending her arm out to him, where he too joined the pile, pressing a soft kiss to Tyler's shoulder. Zack joined immediately after, and the bundle stayed there for a while, a comfortable silence all settling over them.

-

Josh helped set the table for dinner, setting the knives and forks down while Tyler got the glasses. 

"It smells delicious," he said, smiling over at Tyler's mom as she checked the chicken in the oven. "Should be ready in about ten more minutes! Mashed potatoes are all set, green beans done...oh! The rolls!" She exclaimed, going to the conventional oven and pulling out the slightly browned biscuits, earning a laugh from both boys.

"Of course I'd noticed things seemed different," Kelly said as they were all sat down at dinner. Tyler had gone and told his siblings after his parents invited Josh to stay for dinner to get to know their sons lovely boyfriend, his father even joking about his intentions with their son, and his newfound happiness was all the rage of topic.

"We just can't thank you enough for befriending him, making him so...vibrant," Chris said to Josh, who only beamed in reply.

"I can't thank _you_ guys enough for putting him in school and letting me meet him. He's my best friend," Josh said easily, looking over to Tyler and laughing, for his cheeks were stuffed to the brim with potatoes and chicken. 

"I've been too nervous to eat," Tyler said around his food, but it just sounded like a big blob of nothing, earning a huge roar of laughter from Maddy, who, by the way, was absolutely _fascinated_ with Josh's hair. They had sat on the couch earlier and all she could do was twirl it around and try and rub the color out between her fingers. _"Whoa, it's not coming off!"_ She'd exclaimed. _"Nope, Mads, it's called permanent for a reason,"_ Josh had laughed.

Tyler didn't feel any waves of tension as he did the dishes that night. No waves of terror washing upon him, no doubts, no paranoia of his parents finding out about Josh through his phone or something like that. He felt at peace, laughing as he flicked water over at his boyfriend from his fingertips, who was drying the dishes that Tyler washed. Josh would laugh in response, trying to defend himself from the mere water droplets as if they were fireballs. "No, nooooo!" He'd cry, feigning agony, and making Tyler almost pee his pants he laughed so hard.

Tyler Joseph was really happy that night.

He knew this time, it would last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa!!! omg!!! yay for tyler! i remember coming out to my mom was SO scary, and it was under a really bad circumstance but she was very supportive and accepting. she's kind of confused, but she's learning <3 thank you all SO SO much for sticking around here with me and with this fic, through all the ups and downs it's had!! i think this is a good place to end it, and it really feels complete now. i'm sorry if it seemed weird in any ways or chapters, but as previously mentioned, not really a long-fic writer. i just love my lil joshler babies. i appreciate all of your lovely feedback and kudos, so so much!! if i decide to update this again (which i'm unsure if i will) i'll probably just throw it into a new work and make this a series, but as of right now this is officially the end!! <3 <3 <3


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